The fat (man?) is coming to town!

Lolololol!  Sorry for the dumb title, but I've been to the gym and that Michael Buble song came on and the last line just stuck!
Anyway, I literally could just roll myself over to a shopping centre and be hired as Santa!

To fill everyone in:

I was doing ok - I had my 'Reading Week' (why it's called that I have no idea, as you mainly write essays, rather than do anything so relaxing such as reading) and got my essays handed in; feeling like a BOSS!
Anyway, I was walking home and caught up with my flatmate, chatted, got in, and discussed our 'flat meeting'.  (I'd suggested it, since there's three of us and we'd all been a bit busy and I thought it would be a good idea to see how everyone was finding living there and if there was any issues).  Anyway, she wouldn't accept that I just wanted to talk about things that evening and kept asking me.
For some reason I just flipped - she'd just thrown in my face everything I have done for her, stuck up for her and made myself seem uptight, even little things like putting a fuckin' ironing board down for her 30 times because she can't seem to do it herself - and called her all the things she is, to her face, spoilt, lazy, ungrateful.  She ran off to her room screaming that I made her life hell (because I was ignoring her??? Not true at all) Called me insane, with mental problems, because this upset me a lot, and I started crying (very nasty thing to say, considering that my mum has brain damage).
After a bit of talking through the door (she slammed it in my face), we calmed down, and agreed to talk about it between us, like adults (she's 22 for crying out loud).
Next thing I know, she's on the phone to her mum, bitching and lying about me.  Which made me furious.  I don't like liars and people who run away from their problems.  Anyway, her parents tried asking me to leave (despite there being a tenancy agreement and them acting illegally and irresponsibly) but I just ignored it and tried to just include her more and be more friendly.
But every little thing that I say or disagree with is wrong or anything I want doesn't matter.  She ignores me unless I speak to her first and won't even look at me.
So I am trying to move out.  I'm off to see a flat on Wednesday.  If her parents dare to get at me for not giving notice then I will remind them of the undue amount of stress they placed on a young person that they might lose their place to live, ignoring their own tenancy agreement and responsibilities as landlords, and the absence of any help, understanding or advice at all.  That their daughter doesn't even pay rent.
Fucking little bitch is gonna get the shit thrown in her face before I leave though.  I'm so angry, just thinking about it.
I know its not good to say nasty things to someone but she is so spoilt and socially inept that its just too difficult stopping it from getting to me.  She's messy, lazy and weird.  

Now my life is miserable, I can't study, I'm fat and sad and lonely.  And she has every idea that she's causing that.

Anyway,

It's seriously fucked up my fitness and weight loss plan.  Today is the first time I've been to the gym in about 2 months.  I did a thirty minute slowish run and an hour's walk there and back.  The run was ok, but I was getting stitch from not having water.  It's definitely good to get some exercise in.  But I'm seriously soft and fat now.  I'm just going to have to keep working hard over Christmas.  The gm is open nearly every day and both my boyfriend and mum will make me go.

Stuff with my boyfriend is ok, but I feel like we might break up.  My ex was causing problems earlier this year, basically coming on to me and being inappropriate.  Anyway, we both want to stay friends and be able to meet up and hang out.  I've known him for nearly 4 years now and as I don't have many close friends, it doesn't make sense to just call it quits.  I care for him and worry about him a lot.  He's in the RAF and it's stressful. I think he's lonely and I worry about his happiness.  But, understandably, my boyfriend doesn't want that.  His ex left him for her previous boyfriend and he's putting that on me.  I get what he's saying, but the thing is that I'm being honest with him and he can completely trust me.  Plus my ex has apologised and feel differently about me and what he wants in terms of a relationship.  He's going off to the Middle East next year and I might lose him.  I just can't face not being there and seeing him, knowing that I can, and them him not coming home.  I need my friends, I'm so low.  I just can't do it - it feel so wrong.  What on earth do I do?  My boyfriend is so sad because he can't deal with the idea of my meeting up with my ex, even though its only platonic.  And I hate hurting him.  It's basically m sadness or my boyfriend's sadness.

Uni is going badly - I've got As in everything apart from my Literature essay - a C - FML!!!  And the exam didn't go great either.  My Classics exam is rescheduled for after Christmas, so I can't even relax as I have to study, although I'm kinda glad for the extra time as I wasn't ready at all.  My Language exam is on Thursday, and then I have a Christmas party with my Navy buddies.  I'm making load of food to sell to go to charity - roast sandwiches with stuffing and cranberry sauce, red fruit cheese cake, white chocolate fairy cakes, maybe some rice crispie bars, mini fruity christmas cupcakes, and my friend is making mulled wine.  I'm going to drink and go out and just relax.  But no food on Thursday, so I actually don't get booze fat.

Good news is that I have some snowboarding planned (I've recently got into it and it's immense - great exercise, super cool and so much fun) in the mountains of Scotland with the boyfriend, my mum is visiting and I can't wait to see her, and I got a tax rebate of £184 which I'm going to get driving lessons with.

And I'm going to be a skinny, sexy snowboard chick.  I have a Burns' Night dinner on 20th January.  How good would it be to be 130lbs or 59kg???  I have a dress coming from Ebay.  It's long, one shouldered and silver (actually metallic) so very WOW and statement, so I'm going to get tanned, straighten my hair and be super skinny and statuesque.  I'm going with the boyfriend and I want him to be super proud to have m on his arm.
I don't know what I weigh, but I'm going to weigh myself on Friday, and start from there.  Hopefully it will only be 10lbs to lose, which I could do in a month.  I'm going to hike up the cardio, cut out the carbs again and maybe start on weights once I've had some initial fat loss.

This is a pre New Year determination.  It can only get better next year, and that starts with being skinny!

Love love,

I had had a good day yesterday, food wise.  But I binged and purged - a Mars bar and a pack of Cadbury's Clusters (raisins and cornflakes cover in chocolate), so about 1000 calories.  Drank water and purged in the shower (first time, I prefer the toilet, but I had to be quiet).  I didn't feel like I'd got enough up, but I was just retching, so stopped and sat in bed trying to forget about it.  the whole thing, mixed with this pain in the bum essay has ruined my nice happy Thursday 'off', no cinema, all day writing instead and no nice little scoop of Ben and Jerry's to look forward to.  Instead, I'm fasting.  And there's not gonna be a binge tomorrow.  Got a week to drop 4-6lbs and get to 130.
Just quick because I have to try and finish this essay (basically gotta use the 'thrill' [yeah, right!] of writing it to keep me off food today).  I'm going to go for a jog later, at 'lunch time'.  Need to exercise.
Keep strong, unlike me.

I don't even like them!

I'm a fat waffle commenter girl...sorry for such long comments!

And damn you Mich! I can not stop thinking about those 114 cal waffles, ice cream and syrup.  So jealous...we don't have good diet food here in the UK :(

Janie-13

Waffle waffle waffle, gobble gobble gobble!
135.5lbs (Why am I Up...maybe the thoughts of waffles are making me fat?)

I've been really off with the blog, mainly because the Boy was here and I couldn't really go on, and also because I was a pig with him and I just don't have anything to say about that.  But it's meant that I've missed out on comments and responding, so I wanted to now.

Hello Barbie darling,

The start of this is to you.  The boy wants me to see someone.  He's going to make me apparently.  No way.  There's no way that I'm going to a doctor.  My mum got her life fucked up because of psychiatrists.  Na-ah, not gonna happen.  I said that I would just stop talking about it but he said though that it would make he sad if I didn't talk to anyone about it.  So I should talk to him.  He just doesn't seem to have any leeway for me, its always that he is right and I am wrong.  maybe I am but I always end up saying that this has been going for almost 10 years and I'm not dead yet.  Not skinny yet, either.
I saw your photo, you are beautiful, dark haired, smiling, mysterious.  I know that everyone has bad days, but perhaps maybe part of your dreams coming true will be to embrace those features of you that make you unique and the best actress you can be.  Isn't acting about taking reality and warping it to make it fit into a non natural space?  So surely you must know and accept and embrace your own reality, truly, before you can displace it?

A.beautiful.mess, hello, my love!

Lol, we've blogconnected.  I hope you're doing ok with the bingeing.  I literally inhale when I binge, but it's also not mindless.  If I accept that I'm doing it, then I will drink water, water, water.  So I can purge.  Purging is a new thing for me, relatively.  It only started in the past year or so.  I guess that living with flatmates (in an old, creaky, thin walled flat) means that I can only binge and purge when they're out.  Or else risk a massive 'hoo ha' over it.  I came in drunk once, and had to puke so I could sleep - my (bad) flatmate ran in IMMEDIATELY and started fussing about all the cleaning.  It was in the toilet for crying out loud, get outta ma space, bitch!  Hmmm.  Sometimes I have felt binges looming, but have managed to control myself by really slowly savouring that first bite.  It makes me reassess the binge, especially if I don't actually want any more of the food.  Which is actually most of the time.  I've noticed that I don't enjoy the food, even things that I crave.  The taste is never as good as what i make it in my mind.  If only I didn't have to eat.

Run I don't mind you laughing. I mean, purging has to be made kinda funny, or else how can it be lived with?  Seeing lots of sliced ham (I know, weird thing to binge on, but I really like ham!) come back up, just the same as when they went down is sorta disconcerting.
I hope that Nigel doesn't embarrass you too much, I bet that made his day :P

Lillie Flower Thanks for your comment.  I wish I could have some sort of positive for tomorrow.  But the only peace I get is in sleep.  My brains is so preoccupied with food and unhappiness, in a whirl.  I guess though, that I don't want to make purging meaningless, otherwise it will mean that bingeing sorta becomes ok, because I can just purge after.


I think I'm a little bit more caught up.  Some blogs stay on my mind, for reasons other than the amazing responses and there are some girls that I am concerned for.  I guess, I just want you to know that I am sending you my love, and it is there to wrap you up and heal some pain, even a little.  I don't know if you feel alone, so I hope that the mental cyber connection we share, just by these blogs is strong enough to carry my love and hope to you.

*******

I am tired.  My muscles hurt from the weights session and hockey training from the past two days.  I need to get this Literature essay written.  I'm grumpy because my flat mate keeps inviting his mates over for hours, making them dinner and letting them stay, and being noisy speaking so loudly and playing guitar, when I have so much to do.  he knows this as well, as I have to shut all the doors.  He stays up into the wee hours and gets his work done, but I have to sleep.
Plus I need food and they're all in the kitchen, and I don't have the energy to prepare a meal and have them sat there staring at me.

I'm still on 1200 calories.  I even managed a little bit of pasta in that limit today (I normally have to fill it up with protein, and always aim to be under 100g of carbs) so that's an accomplishment.

I'm down.
134.75lbs

Goal is 130lbs before I go visit my mum, a week on Thursday.  Easy...thats what she said :P  

Back :(

Hello every shining star out there!

I'm finally able to face coming onto my blog.  The whole mess that I am has been an utter wimp.  I'm so ashamed and frustrated and tired.

I've been bingeing a lot.  Not always with purging, after.  Sorta admitted it to the boy...had a little cry, he's leaving me alone about the whole thing.  It must be as tiring for him as it is for me.  We always want to be left alone, to practise our shame in peace and not hurt anyone, but this THING that has a hold of us just has to affect everyone else.  He also found my blog.  I don't know how, I haven't asked.  So I guess that's why I haven't been on here much.  I dunno if he's looking.  I hope he isn't.  This helps me sort the crap out in my head, keep control, and I don't want him getting so caught up in me, when this is just meant to be a personal vent.

I'm UP...the dreaded up.  I hate that bitch.  Ana is an obvious bitch, she's vicious.  Mia is just paranoid and a purist.  But Up is the worst.  You don't know where you stand with Up.  You don't know if she will stay, or increase or decrease and you don't always know why.  She torments us, even with just the idea of her.  At least we know what to expect with Ana and Mia...but not up.  Bitch!

My boy wants me to a fit, muscly, and very strong.  But you know what?  I wanna be skinny.  I wanna be tiny and light and slender.  I think that I can't be happy with muscly - it's still big.  'Course I want to empower myself and be sporty and impressive.  But I'm not an athlete.  I have these humungous legs that can't run very fast (where's all the power?) I have a strong back and arms, but I can't lift much.  I have a core that could rival most (mainly from 'suckin' in since the age of 10), but no abs showing through.

It just doesn't seem to come to anything.  I make no progress.  Boy wants me to eat more, like 1500-1800 (or my muscles will eat themselves) but I will get muscly fat and then have to 'cut' after...and I know that I can't cut.  I'm too saggy and baggy and will just get worse with the extra stretching from being so friggin' big.  I don't get why my muscles aren't doing the work they should be.  Making me skinny.

I can't deal with this anymore.  I want the lonely comfort of 800 a day.  I just don't want those fuckin' cupcake dreams anymore.  Boy said that he doesn't 'crave' thing...well bully for him.  Try living with food on your mind CONSTANTLY.  In dreams, when you wake up, when you go to bed.  All day.  Forever.

I hate me...I really do.

CW: 143.25lbs

Binge, round 2:

I should chew my food more...

Big Fat Groke

I tried to fast and I got to about 2pm and I binged: 1/3 portion of fish and chips, some peanut butter, some chocolate and a bowl of ice-cream with crushed biscuits and Cadbury's.  I purged immediately.  Not done that in about 6 months, properly anyway.  I heard somewhere that you only really throw up about half of what you ingested, so I counted the calories.  It puts me on 954 calories for today.
This is not the fast you are looking for...

I feel like crap, and I'm hungry and needing junk, pizza, chips, toast, chocolate, alcohol, pasta, all the things that I don't have.  But it's not gonna happen.  I fuckin' swear it's not gonna get me.  I will wake up tomorrow and the scale will be down that bleedin' half pound that has been driving me nuts and I will go running and get back and start again.  Back on 1200, maybe 1100 to be honest.

My only saving grace is that I went to the gym this morning.
60 mins weight training: 387
5 mins running: 62
20 mins calisthenics: 75
40 mins walking: 163

My flatmate has promised me a Moomin mug (as his dad sells them) and I think I should get the Groke one...damn him never bringing my Moomin mug!

The boy has promised that we can have a Groke cake for my birthday (in December) as long as he can make her poop fudge... :S

Over and out,
Lovelove xxx

For Sam Lupin and myself...

xxxXxxx

I had a really good title for this earlier!

So......

I've decided to take the plunge and put some body shots on here, so you can all see what I'm talking about. About how much work I have to do.  I know that some people post photos to get attention, complements, whatever, but I'm posting mine because I want you to know more of who I am, and what I'm trying to do...because I think we both deserve that.

Nothing really shows on this, my hips jut a lot more and so do my ribs, but other than that, I have nothing positive to say about this...

Humoungous legs...like massive!!!  

The only thing I can say is that I wasn't 'suckin' it in' :(
I would appreciate only 'critique', if anyone has something to say.

Having a response from people this week has been absolutely amazing.  You have no idea how supported I've been feeling.  Y'know that clenching sick feeling when someone seems worried?  Well on here, it doesn't happen.  You just get love, and shared experience, and advice and support.
To Barbie, I commented earlier in my last post.  Something in what you said has stuck.  I think for my own mind, that I should laugh at my own restriction.  Don't take it seriously and it won't be a big deal.  It wont be on my mind all the time.  Isn't that the key to being skinny, to be a disinterested party?  I also guess you're right about the 27kg...I think in pounds, and it doesn't seem like that much, but I guess it's over 60...wow...
But it has also taken me since 2005.  And apparently, the quest for abs will take about a year??  Lol, maybe this time next year, I can post an amazing abs photo.  Lol, long term goal!
To Zerointentions (Fat Piggy? I think not!), I think we should set up some sort of pickle support group?  I had some for my lunch and thought of you.  I even managed to get a little, medium and big one, all line up!  Hmmm, maybe it was some sort of pickle family though???  Eeeep, maybe I'm a pickle homewrecker?  Lol!
To peanut, I'm trying very, very hard not to spiral.  To concentrate on health and wellbeing.  It's hard, but thank you for telling me that it's ok not to, if that makes sense?  Sometimes I feel guilty for being fat, that I think there's scorn on peoples' faces, when they look at me.  That I shouldn't exist...
That's tough to deal with.  I always hope that there will be some sort of revelation...that I should exist.  That I am talented, and wanted, and loved, and successful.  Maybe?

Anyway,
Since I've decided to double log food then I better do yesterday's first and then get onto my FAST day, today.

Umm, so remember, any advice, as this would be an example of a normal day for me:-

Breakfast:

30g bran flakes (100)

100g low fat plain yogurt (55)

Lunch:

60g smoked salmon (112)

2 slices Quorn turkey and cranberry slice (28)

4 slices ham (44)

35g lemon & coriander houmous (94)

1 meat free bbq burger (95)

5 red grapes (17)

3 leaves romaine lettuce (3)

10 slices yellow pepper (14)

8 dill pickle chips (10)

Dinner:

250g lean turkey mince (420)

1 tsp deli mustard (5)

1 tbsp cranberry sauce (15)

30g low fat cream cheese (34)

1 medium egg (65)

10 slices yellow pepper (14)

1 small red onion (29)

1/2 cup mushrooms (8)

1 cup romaine lettuce (8)

So that was yesterday...it looks like A LOT of food!
I did a 30 minute hill run and 25 minute Level 15 cross trainer session at the gym, plus all day at uni, and about 80 minutes of brisk walking.

So for today, I thought that it might help to take some pictures, because I've noticed immediately that it's made me sit down and appreciate my food much more.  Take more time.  Put more care into it.  Which is helping with eating slower and being more satisfied.

I decided that I had been eating too much meat, so thought I would have a vegetarian day, in the form of a mild fast (for me), to kick start me and to get ready for a liquid only fast tomorrow.  (Baby steps, so I apologise for being pathetic and not throwing myself in!)  But anyway, I decided that it was going to be meat, fish and egg free, with lots of fruit and veg, and a little protein with each meal.  I get a bit stressed out about sugar, so I sometimes freak out with fruit and worry about my blood sugar, but apparently a bit of protein with it helps stabilize the sugar so you don't rise and then crash.  And I feel great.  lots of energy and 'pep' today, and much happier.  So I guess it worked??

Breakfast: 100g low fat plain yogurt, 1 small fig, 1 small plum;

1 cup of coffee, instant.

(121 calories)

Lunch: 1 cup of romaine lettuce, 10 carrot sticks, 10 green pepper strips, 3 pickles;

40g low fat cream cheese, 1 tbsp deli mustard, 40g coleslaw;

1 cup of water, 1 cup of low sodium vegetable broth.

(134 calories)

Dinner: Homemade onion soup, 25g goat's cheese.

Pudding: 124g orange, 24g of smooth peanut butter;

1 cup of sweet Chai tea, 1 cup of water.

(423 calories)

TOTAL: 678 calories

(Exercise: NONE!!!)

So I think the plan for tomorrow is a liquid fast; tea, coffee, soya milk and soup.  Calorie limit will be, shall we say, 400?  Any advice?  And then if I need another on Sunday then I can do a 200 calorie limit, so things like water, tea, coffee, lemon.
Also, full body and cardio tomorrow morning, and cardio on Sunday.

The only other thing I wanted to talk about is my 'navy thing'.  I have a commanding officer...and he hates me.
But the thing is that it isn't meant to be easy.  I feel like I just can't do anything right, that he doesn't trust me, thinks I'm dim, and thinks I shouldn't join the Navy.  I mean, that's someone's future career...and he's meant to try his best to support it, not to dissuade someone that he can't be bothered to mentor.  By making them feel like shit.  How does that help?
Now, I understand that when you do something right, you don't hear about it, it's only when you do something wrong.  But I'm being made to feel like everything is wrong, that everything is a little dig.  I never get picked for anything (I got passed up for meeting the commander in charge of the Admirality Board [that's a big deal, he decides who gets in when you go for your entry interview], over people who have had so much opportunity given to them...who are the chosen ones, and passed up for being a committee member, and passed up for a fashion event.  For every fricken' thing.  I give up).   I go for something and there's no faith put in me at all.
Hmmm, now I'm aware that I'm sounding like a sulky child, but there comes a point where someone snaps.  Where they try so hard, in every area and they get nowhere.
I try to get a good body...well you can see the above *vom!*
I try to do well at school, college, uni...I get Bs *sigh*
I try to get a job...I can get 1 interview, for an UNPAID job, in 2.5 years and nearly 200 applications...
I try and do well at the Navy...and I'm rejected.

This is a cycle that I need to break.  Does anyone have any advice?  Please.  I don't have much lower that I can go.

Amazing...

Love love, everyone! I'm here if you ever need support and I appreciate all yours xxx

Amazing!

I feel incredible with the recent comments; Thank you so much for taking the time to say that to me.  It really makes me feel less alone.
I want to do a proper post later (probably tonight or tomorrow) about them, but I also wanted to let you guys know how much it has helped me today.

Lots of love
xxx

Keep Calm...

I know that I need to restrict again...maybe little baby steps.  1000 cals for two weeks, then onto 800 cals.  I've been on 800 before and it's hell on earth but I can manage it.  I love doing cardio and lots of weights, they help so much, but it gets so hard to go much lower than than 800 when you're active.  Plus my BMR is around 1500 at my current weight, which is what I burn in a day, without doing anything.  I'm so bloated and sad and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere.  I leg-pressed 136kg today, so I know that I'm improving, and my thighs are getting so much firmer, but the jiggle is persisting.  I've been properly (and 99.9% honestly, by which I mean I don't log most herbs or spices, mainly because I don't use them much and always forget!) been logging my food and exercise in FatSecret.  That site is amazing.  But I will do it here, so maybe I can get some pointers out there on my diet, in terms of getting rid of the fat???

Breakfast:

30g bran flakes (100)

100g low fat natural yogurt (55)

Lunch:

150g lean cooked, skinless roast chicken (282)

40g stilton (166) [ Naughty, I know :( ]

35g low fat onion and chive cream cheese (43)

1/4 cup sliced red grapes (28)

2 cups chopped romaine lettuce (8)

1 tsp apple balsamic vinegar (8)

Dinner:

150g lean cooked, skinless roast chicken (282)

1 tbsp ketchup (15)

1 Activia light cherry yogurt (72)

30g bran flakes (100)

Drinks:

2 cans of 7Up Free (0)

I normally eat less carbs than that, but I needed some fibre and couldn't be bothered with cooking dinner.  I always pre plan my meals for the next day, especially as I have to grab breakfast very early in the morning, and also take any lunch with me because I'm studying all day.  I'm so tired and sick of reading. I have completely wasted this afternoon, with naps and sitting on my bed with my laptop.  My life is sooo boring, lol.  

And the cheese was a bit of a treat to myself, which I don't think I deserved.  I have a weakness for cheese and fruit together and the salad I made was pretty amazing, despite all the cheese evilness!  

I feel like some ED fraud right now, talking so flippantly about meals and calories and cheese.  I'm on a knife edge and I'm literally clinging on for dear life, not to spiral back into this.  I have a love/hate relationship with how boney my chest is, and how jutting my ribs and hips are; I'm proud and also repulsed.  Why can't I be a goddess, with firm golden skin and perfect limbs?  Why am I tired, boney but flabby wreck?

My boyfriend is starting to get worried.  He hates me being on 1200 a day, so I will have to hide the restriction from him.  He's bringing me protein shake in a week, so I can start meal replacing.  I need to be skinny and have a proper thigh gap and have ABS!  I will do this.

A glimmer of abs!

So the past two days haven't gone as planned.  Yesterday was fine, up until I went to 'work', as in the Navy unit.  And there was free port...
(the Navy lurves port and it's kinda hard not to start liking it too) and no way was I giving up free booze.  Plus it was for toasting and you kinda have to just go with it and be a good sport.
And I had also needed a massive coffee as I could barely keep my eyes open during the day and lectures and so was supa pepped.  All this amounted to not taking much persuasion at all to go out to my favourite club after drill.
It was a Fuck It moment right there and then.  I'd not had dinner, so could basically put the alcohol from before 12 on my 'tab' and still be under 1200.  And then after 12, I can just put that on for the new day and fast after.  I didn't drink too much as I'm a drink mixer and was already nicely tipsy, but the problem was the double cheese burger I wolfed down like a little piggy at 2am this morning.  Damn you Barbeque Kings!!!  And then four little chocolates when I got in.  Shit :(

I feel like shit for not having a good diet day but until I caved in and ate an Innocent Veg Pot (Thai coconut curry, not very good though so avoid) and some Quorn (fake chicken) this afternoon I actually had ABS!!!  Like full on showing through abs!  I think I must hold water or something, more than I realise and that's why they don't how much, but it was gratifying to say the least.  Plus I got a fair few compliments from my outfit.  It was a cut out black top, laddered black tights (but in a pattern, if that makes sense, not just holey, lol) and a little pair of Hollister denim shorts, with black suede wedged shoe boots.  The shorts were a size '3' which I reckon is a UK 8, which is ok, I guess.  Gonna try and get into a 6 before Christmas.  That's the dream!  We have just recruited some new starters to the Unit and they all commented how different I looked from an hour before when I was in my knee length wool skirt, big white shirt done right up to the top, gross court shoes, tie and epaulettes.  I felt skinny too, I could tell that people thought I'd lost weight.

And I have.  I'm 9 stone 9.5 pounds.  Which is 135.5lbs.  Which I know is still fucking massive but it is also only 10.5lbs from 125, which is my GW.  I hate being so up and down, but 1200 feels manageable, most days anyway, and I try and keep my fibre and protein high.  The boy wants me to eat my BMR total, which is around 1500, but I just can't do it.  I might pretend, just so he stops getting upset.  I've 'promised' to have dinner tonight.  Well sort of, just mused about having beef stir fry to him after he complained when I said I would have nothing.  I hate lying, but I need to do this like this.  I need to starve a little.  I need to be skinny.
We skyped this evening and I was wearing his Led Zepplin tshirt (theived from him :P) and a little pair of pink and silver knickers, so he ended up seeing my butt and tummy and all he could say was how beautiful I was and how much he wanted me.  I want him too but gotta wait two weeks.  I dunno why I've been like this, it must be him.  Lol, sorry if this is TMI though??

Anyway, the day has been pretty good.  I got one of my Lit books read (Achebe's Things Fall Apart) which I have to say is not have as amazing as all my lectures think.  They properly bum Achebe but he's got a horrible writing style and is no way as impressing as they say he is.  I'm now on Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, which has spoken to me more in the first few pages than all of TFA did.  I also got an email about a job interview for a Press officer for a local film and TV producing studio.  It's voluntary with a view to be full paid, and looks an a pretty ace job if I get it.  And I also got a pretty good response when I asked about a takeaway job near my flat, so dropped a CV in this evening.  Fingers crossed!
If I get a job and get paid, I am gonna start getting my tan on because it always makes you look better and I'm fed up of being pasty.  And if I get a job and get to size 6/125lbs then I'm going to get my belly button pierced or get some microdermals.  They look so pretty.  I would get some jewelled ones, probably under my collarbone on each side.  Oh!  and I got made a 'Sea Mum', which basically means that I have to look after a new recruit (who's name I have forgotten :S) but also that my Boss actually kinda trusts me.  Kinda...which is a start, because he HATES me.  Lol.  Yay!

Anyway, this was only meant to be quick, just to keep up with the blogging and the weight loss.  I hate going up and down on the scales and I just wanna maintain when I reach a better weight.  And this seems to keep me sane.
And I will also get some body shots up so you can kinda see what I'm battling against and also of my nice new flat.  Promise!

Love x

Slipping back...

Hi...
I feel like an idiot writing this to someone, because I know very few actually look at this, but I think it's going to keep me sane for half an hour and right now I need that.

I am so hungry...

It's driving me nuts.  God, I remember when I could not eat for 3 or 4 days and be just fine.  Now I am hungry even after I've finished a meal.  Or at least within 15 minutes.  It's like the food has never been eaten.  In a way, it's a waste!  I'm getting so little pleasure and satisfaction from eating, what is the point?  All these stupid tips to keep you feeling full don't work.  If you're restricting then you WILL be hungry.  And hunger is a bitch!

It's not like I'm even that low: 1200 cals a day.  Which is three healthy but smallish meals a day and drinks, usually.  I have one carb meal, usually bran flakes or jacket sweet potato or fruit or sweetcorn and the rest is low carb veggies.  All have high protein levels, so I'm having about 80-100g of protein a day.  And usually less than 100g of carbs a day.  I don't worry about fat intake as I don't eat very fattening food, nor much added sugar, but I am worried about fibre...need more...
I will post stats and perhaps a picture tomorrow.  Big step!

Lol!  Just realised how dry this all is.  No one cares, it's really not that interesting.  I'm just a hungry, tired, ugly, fat bitch...or as a girl recently described me "fat fucking cunt"


LOL!  That that's a laugh.  Hmm, what else is interesting is how many people have disappeared over the summer...some who were in deep and others who weren't committed but still some suprises.  My love to everyone going through this.
In other news, I have a great boy, who told me he loves me, only a couple of weeks ago.  We'd been dating, but weren't actually in a relationship but now we are and now I can smile and tell him that I love him too.
I'm back at uni, in my gorgeous new flat; high ceilings, cream walls, wooden floors. fireplace in each room and with all my favourite things.  I have some movie posters up, from when I worked at the cinema - Wristcutters, Tales from Earthsea and Persepolis :)
I also have a little sunflower plant that my boy got me.  She looks like she's dying, but there are buds growing and ready to open, so I know she's not.  And my big tiger banner all the way from Xi'an in China.  And two prints that the boy got me, of Marylin Monroe and her Chanel (hung over my make up and perfume table, to remind me to be glamorous) and of my favourite movie, Spirited Away.
We trekked to Ikea to get some frames as well as other bits, like a quilt set to go with my red, white and blue theme!  I have my stolen ensign from ship acting as a mantle for my little sofa chair and a cute little Britannia flag cushion.
Hmmm, Oh!  And a Rihanna poster, but I'm waiting on a frame. The Boy got me her perfume as a surprise.  He's such a sweetie, apart from when he sprayed it in my mouth when I exclaimed in delight.  Lol, I wonder how many calories are in Reb'l Fleur???

I think I'm just putting off why I'm back.  I'm back because I can't eat one chocolate from a selection tin without being wracked with guilt, because I can't get through half the day without being exhausted, because I can't bear the idea of eating 1500 cals, like the Boy is begging me to.  Because I can't get a job.

Because I need this...it's who I am, I need to be perfect and ED is perfect.  Ha!  Remember the insulting girl, her name is Edie, perhaps it's a sign, that ED knows that I have not been faithful, knows that I constantly think of her and that she's still in my head, knows that I am not happy.  That I am full of hate and despair that not even a glimmer of all bright happiness can dispel, like shadows in your head, that cannot be illuminated.

You fall into the dark places, but the fall is not always because you trip...

Shorts!

Ellie Goulding <3

Heehee, doing it old school!

Should I come back?

You know when you can feel yourself teetering on the edge?  I'm on the precipice of between starvation and uncaring....but who wants to be uncaring?  When I put it like that, the control is a pretty intoxicating prospect.
I have no idea what I weigh....I know I'm bigger, but I think some of it is muscle and some is fat.  God, do I hate fat!
I don't want to slip into that numbness again.  I lost my love, my soul was numb.  He has someone else now and the whole protective wall of unfeelingness has fallen and it's all come crashing over me.  I love him, I love him, I love him.  He knows I want him back, but he doesn't trust me.  I think I've lost it all.
All I know is that I'm seeing someone who I can hide the numbness from...I will learn from it.  If I fall again.  I'm pretty close.  1200 calories a day, exercise 5-6 times a week, high protein low carb.  I'm in ketosis too.  And this is easy.  I can maintain this until September.  When I'm free from the Mother and I can buy some Oxylite Pro and get rid of the fat!

Fat but OK.

So things DID NOT go to plan regarding the being good on ship.  Not at all.  And I've basically been in bed all week, doing nothing.  But what I did do was join a dating agency and I may have got myself a date with a sexy army man!  He's a dog handler (so a caring animal lover), out in the field, so pretty brave.  Very determined and very sweet.  And generous, he seems pretty taken with the idea of buying me a car and a handbag (no, I promise I did not ask him!)  But the best thing is that he's sporty and he seems to like that I (try to) look after myself.  And bbzs, there's not better inspiration than trying to impress someone.
So, I will be thin for my date (or at least look healthy and sexy and as toned as possible).  And then he goes away to Germany and then to Afghan.  So, if all goes well, when he comes back then I can see him again and he will think I look incredible.

Right, I'm off to town to get a suit (I need one anyway, but I may have some paralegal work with my brother this summer, so gotta look smart) and then to physio and the gym.  I'm going for a hard session later.  Sweat and possibly tears!  And no food until dinner (going to be something to use lots of peppers, carrots and tomatoes, so healthy healthy healthy!)

All the best, my lovelies.

Goal 1 achieved!

Ok, so my first goal was 155lbs by today, which I have ticked off.  I'm at 151.8, which has stayed the same from yesterday.  If I am 152lb or under next Friday then I get my next reward.

I think I need a fast, which this weekend will hopefully achieve.  I am at sea, at a sailing regatta, working with the Navy.  The food is always stodgy, but no one really pays attention to what you're eating, so I a just going to drink water, tea and coffee like my life depends on it and eat as little as possible.  Fruit, veggies and protein, if I do need to eat.  I'm aiming to lose that 1.8lbs by the time I get back and if I do then I can have something higher in carbs when I return (I'm thinking veggies sausages and some baked beans or something, nothing pushing the boat out! HA! see what I did there :P Lol!)

I have been trying to keep up with my workouts, but my energy is very low because of the low calories and I'm struggling to even stay awake today.  I have a physio class this afternoon, which should burn about 400 calories (it's very intense) and a bit of brisk walking to do.  I was planning on going for a kettlebell class but I truthfully can't face the gym and I don't have the time today.  The only problem is that I won't be actually e x e r c i s i n g this weekend, but I will be working a lot.  I'm hoping I might get a run in - I'm going to suggest it and see who will come along.

Anyway, nothing much else to report, other than I'm seeing a teeny tiny bit more definition in my belly area.  (It's a belly until I am thin, only then can I upgrade to a tummy! Lol)
Good luck everyone.

My days of 800 calories or less and lots of exercise have left me very sore, but at 151.2 lbs.  I hope it keeps creeping down this fast, but I know getting to 140 and under will be stupidly hard.

I'm going to keep mixing up my exercise.  My circuit training class was great and I'm going to keep at the intervals.  I also need to work on my 2.4 km timings.  Apparently I would need to run at a constant 14.4 k/p/h to run the distance in 10 minutes.  So there's something to creep up to.  I want to aim for at least 12.5 k/p/h by 9th June.  And then I have a week to run it on flat ground, rather than treadmill and check my pacings.  Then I will have a week of adventurous training in Germany, which should be hardcore, especially if i throw in some extra exercise and play the fussy eater.  But, you know what they say, easy gained, easy lost and I'm worried about losing fitness.  I hope the different types of sports will still keep me up to scratch.

Had lower limb physio today - what a workout, I was sweating and sore by the end.  Then did a 30 minute interval swim and went to meet a flame.  I didn't push it exercise wise because I'm actually in ab-agony right now and I need to rest tomorrow to recover.  Needless to say, I'm not happy about and and plan to do lots of walking and maybe some floor work too.  The flame and I had pudding and a long chat.  It was fairly comfortable, but not much spark.  He's a sweetie and I think he would be a good boyfriend, but I dunno about chemistry.  He's a trier in bed though and pretty awesome ;)  Pudding was a slice of cheesecake with fruit compote.  It was ok, but not brilliant, although at 100g, it came to about 350 calories, which I had budgeted for during the day and it still allowed me a banana when I got home, for potassium as my salts are low and I'm getting cramps.

Anyway, some may notice a change of look.  It needs tidying up, which I will do tomorrow, but I'm going to create a thinspo tab and sort the sidebars and pictures out.

All the best, peeps.  Keep on going.  As the quote goes 'the only dream I ever have...is the surface of the sun' - which means all those dreams can be a reality.  

Rapture

Well, since waking up today, I've lost that 5.5 pounds, so at 154lbs now.  I've pretty much fasted the past two days.  Fasting again today, as I'm going out tonight.  I really want to get drunk, but I don't want to be bloated and heavy tomorrow, so we shall see how it goes tonight.  I'm about to set off to the gym.  The plan is to run for 30 minutes, swim for 30 minutes and a mixture of light and heavy calisthenics for 40 minutes.  I'm going for another walk this afternoon, for about 2 hours too.  Then dancing tonight = lots of these revolting calories burnt.

I was looking at thinspo last night.  I will get to 112lbs and be super skinny.

It's The Rapture today, apparently.  I'm agnostic, but I wouldn't mind Jesus coming and taking me to heaven...

Reward

Since, if I give myself something as a reward, to work to, I'm going to do rewards.

3.5lbs a week.  High, but doable, considering how fat I am currently.

20/05/2011- Current weight: 159lb  (11 stone, 5lbs)
27/05/2011- Goal weight: 155.5lbs  Reward: Night out
03/06/2011- Goal weight: 152lbs  Reward: Rihanna poster
10/06/2011- Goal weight: 148.5lbs  Reward: Fancie cupcake & AIB Test Book
17/06/2011- Goal weight: 145lbs (10 stone 5lbs)  Reward: Set of ladies dumbells
24/06/2011- Goal weight: 141.5lbs  Reward: MAC Concealer
01/07/2011- Goal weight: 138lbs  Reward: Manicure & Pedicure
08/07/2011- Goal weight: 134.5lbs  Reward: Highlights
15/07/2011- Goal weight: 131lbs (9 stone 5lbs)  Reward: Rihanna tickets

Terms;

Exercise - 5 days a week for 1 hour or more.
Food - Goal is under 800, no more than 1200, excess MUST be burnt off.
Diet - SGD

Then I have goals in mind to follow to get to 125lbs (9 stone) and then 112lbs (8 stone).  By September.  I will be thin for Year 2 of university.

Eurgh

So fuckin' fat.  I'm 11 stone and 5lbs (so 159lbs).  That's bleeding ridiculous - to have put on 26lbs since my lowest weight.  I feel revolting.

I'm so close to giving up.  On life, not ED.  ED is who I am, how am I supposed to know who I am without this?  I wouldn't be the same.  Things aren't going well.  I'm rejected and alone.
I need to take drastic measures.  Yesterday I did over 10km walking.  And some physio.  Today I will do more walking and a swim and some weights.  I can't run because I'm so sore (I have physio to stabilize my hips and it makes things very painful).  But I can do swimming intervals.  I had cereal and fat free yogurt and an apple for breakfast, but I'm not going to have anything else now.  Then I will continue with my combined navy training + a fat busting regime I found in a magazine.  I have 8 weeks, but I want to have lost a stone (14lbs) by the end of 4 weeks.  Then at least 11 more by the end of 8.  Then, I would be back at the beginning.  Oh God :(

I really don't care about myself anymore.  I feel numb.  I want to disappear.

Not thinking, about Trying.

I'm on Day 2 of SGD.

Yesterday was fine - my total calories was 603:
Half a pitta 72
Houmous 42
Carrot 20
Lettuce 4
2 apples 110
Small chicken breast 180
Mushrooms 20
Capers 1
Leek 54
Rocket 5
Mini creme egg 50
Olive oil 40
Garlic 5

Today I'm going 50 calories over, to make sure I get enough protein:
Bran flakes 100
Soya milk 8
Banana 98
Protein shake 117
Sweet potato 210
Baked beans 126
Tomato 22
Lettuce 8
Total = 689

I will alter day 4, to 450 to compensate.  So far it seems ok, because I'm a big veggie eater anyway.  No reason for me to divert off the plan I have for my dinner tonight.
Off to revise now - it's having to do instead of cardio, but I will try and do some crunches tonight, partly because I need to do my Pilates exercises as part of my physio, partly because I need them and partly to compensate for the 350 intake instead of 300.

Keep going everyone ^_^

Thank you Mia, for your comment.  I've had to keep thinking of it today - these men have been driving me insane.  Not much revision done and my exam is tomorrow.  Looks like it will be an all-nighter!

Today started well...but after dinner, I binged.  Some gluten free Kit Kat (talking about Kit Kats - did you know that America has 'Cookies and Cream' Kit Kat Chunkies?  Those things are a-mazing!) style things and some Free From chocolate - gross, I don't know why I bothered.  I purged pretty much straight after.  I'm feeling pretty empty right now as it had an odd effect on my whole digestive system and I had to rush to the toilet.  Has anyone else had that?  Like my body was letting everything go, like I'd convinced it I was ill.  I got all my dinner and I think all the binge up, so I'm guessing calories will be around 1000 today.

I'm going to liquid fast tomorrow.  I always do when I go out for a night out.  It's the Royal Wedding tomorrow, so after my exam (in the morning), I'm off to the gym and then going to get wrecked.  Hopefully I might meet someone to take my mind off those Males.  The atmosphere should be pretty friendly.

Drama

I've not posted in a long time.
It's been a long fall off this bandwagon we all call home.  I kinda feel like I haven't even been trying.  I had just let go.  Occasionally, I got my foot back on, but only for a couple of days.  Now it's time to find a seat again.  It just depends where.

I want to join the Royal Navy.  To do that, I have to be super fit - as fit as I can be.  I can pass the tests to get in, at my current level.  But only just.  And I want to be superb.

The biggest achievement towards that will be 2.4km run in 10 minutes flat.
(My best is currently 12.40 minutes).

I have loads of sit ups and press ups to worry about too, but that's easy stuff for me, and gets much easier, much quicker, than running does.

So if I choose this seat, then I can't restrict too much.  Because I have to make my body a machine, athletic.  Which I admire.  So much.  I want definition and tone and leanness.  But it comes with a price - I won't be skinny.  I won't be empty.  I won't be pure.

Or I could choose bones.  I have a new bracelet.  It is a gold chain, with a little gold skull on it.  It's not that noticeable, so I don't get 'morbid' questions; it's there to remind me that a part of me wants death (but I haven't succumbed yet) and that I love my bones.  I love my ribs and my collarbones and my hips.

But to get this seat, I will need to restrict.  I will need to purge.  I will need to exercise.  I will need to feel tightness in my chest again.  And pain in my stomach.  And being so tired and so hungry and so morose.   But my bones are so light and beautiful.

Today, I tried going back to a low calorie diet.
No exercise, just brisk walking.  It's exam period right now, so I have to spend my days revising.  But I also ate 1089 calories.  Which for someone who was eating 'normally' beforehand, is not that much.  I'm still hungry.  So I'm going to grab a cup of tea after I've written this.

Bran flakes, an apple, pumpkin & sunflower seeds, soya milk; soya latte and a cookie (big mistake, gross and fattening); soya mince, a leek and mash from butternut squash and sweet potato, with onion gravy.  High enough protein, but too high on the carbs (150g - I want to get under 100g again) and not enough fibre (21g, I want it to be 25g).  My total burn today, with the studying, housework and walking, was 1860 calories.

I don't even want to know how much I weigh.  Though I have good scales now.  I will weigh myself after this exam on Friday.  And I will go to the gym.

Love is not in my world right now.  Maybe that's making this easier.  R and I have split up.  He's got someone else as a possibility.  I don't.  We saw each other over the weekend.  We went to London together.  It was meant to be a trip to reconnect.  We had been apart beforehand, but we wanted to see how things 'felt'.  Draw a line underneath.  The line was a bit fuzzy (from lovers to friends, mostly on his  part) but it is there.  There's no chemistry; just deep friendship, memories and love.  But not as a couple.
I don't feel anything.
I saw this other guy, D, a couple of times.  He's in the RAF.  Younger than me (2.5 years).  I liked him as soon as I saw him.  He's my type - big, strong, confident.  But I knew from the beginning that he was a manipulator.  He had seen this girl I know (not really a friend, more on her later!) and they had argued and stopped talking.  He started talking to me around the same time, but after a trip we had together with the forces, where we really got on.  You know where you can really tell that someone likes you.  And we had a good couple of dates.  He said he was done with her, which I thought was a good idea as she's a bit of a slut, but also a bit unstable and immature.
Then he stopped texting me.  Partly because of a lot of uni work on, but also because the line hadn't been drawn under my last relationship and R had been calling a lot and was obsessive.  Apparently D had been backing off.  Which I understand.  But he didn't talk to me about it.  Anyway, it all came out after I chatted to this unstable girl and she made out they had hooked up again.  I text him, annoyed.  Not because he had seen someone, but because it was her, and we could all see that it wasn't a good idea.

And I got accused of starting DRAMA????  When all I said was that I didn't want to be made a fool of and that I wanted to be kept in the loop.  That I liked him and that I was mature enough to give him his own space.

It's been really bugging me since.  And tonight, I found out she's put highlights in her hair...like I have.  And she's started wanting to join the Forces...like me.  And they slept together last night.  He invited her to his.  Whereas he couldn't even reply to my text message telling him to reconsider...and to have a good Easter and good luck with exams.  I'm annoyed.  And upset.  And I don't even know why.  I just feel so rejected.  I guess I'm not used to it, after three years of being 'steady'.

But I'm never going to not be rejected if I'm still so fucking fat.
So it all starts again...

Slice

Had pizza (about 8 slices), drank LOADS of water.  Purged.  I think I got at least half up.  That's four slices, ick.  It was good, but not satisfying.  Going to fast on the coach down south tomorrow, smoothie and fruit.  Then 1000 cals each on the weekend,  I think there might be a gym, so might go work out too.

Lighter

I want to thank Somedayskinny for her comment - I appreciate it so much.  I feel so alone, and just to know that I'm not, even because one person is there, is such a relief.

Laxies have helped; down just under 10lbs from yesterday.  I ate a little - some vegetarian sushi (half the pack was purged), some apple kiwi lime smoothie, some fruit and some stir fry.  I purged the stir fry too.  Actually finally made myself drink after each bite and the purge lasted about 5 minutes, instead of 40 last time.  I've cracked it.
No gym today - I just couldn't face it.  I'm going to go tomorrow.  I'm sat up trying to read Hamlet and write on Herbert (a poet), so will probs be up all night.  Then a wee nap, then packing for my trip down south with the Navy, a swimgym sesh, and then drill tomorrow night.  It's a fast day until drill, as it's movie pizza night afterwards.  I know I won't be able to resist and I want to be sociable.  I might have a slice or too, I might eat the whole thing.  But if I'm drinking water, maybe I can fill myself up too much not to binge, then nip downstairs and purge in secret. There's the plan.
No alcohol either, so no extra calories.  Yay!

I have just over 2 months to look hot for R and I's Easter trip to London.  I'm going to be naked a lot (sorry if that's TMI), so need to get rid of this flab.  So I'm going to get back on track with running, start doing more pilates, and keep to under 1000 calories a day.  I simply can't manage to restrict to 850, not with how revved my metabolism is right now, I just binge.  So gotta add that extra 150 to try and help it out.  I know I can do that without feeling hungry.  And if I eat less, then wahey!

Anyway, BIG thinspo for today is stolen (again, I know, I'm sorry!) but is also London themed.

Whale

Normally I like whales...but I don't want to be one.  I've been in bed for 5 days, eating.  And now I weigh 151.8lbs.  Fucking hell...I mean, seriously.  What the fuck!!!???  Sorry if you're offended by swearing, but there's not much else I can say.
Laxies tonight, water and green tea tomorrow.  Gym tomorrow.
This isn't helping the whole anxiety/self hate problem, no sir-ee!
Why can't I just get past this?  Why am I failing?  I'm not making the effort, that's why!

Anyway, got antibiotics today.  *tiny woo*

Thinspo

Mila Kunis: I love this picture - her legs look incredible too.

Woooooo!

I have a feeling this was stolen off another blog, but I'm a sucker for light flashes! Sparkly!

Kate Moss: such easy confidence.

Avril Lavigne: very full of herself, but super skinny.

Katie Waissel: UK X Factor Contestant last nuts - crazy as a coconut, but wth?!

Watsherface from ANTM.  Purdy :D

Stolen, but I fricken' love this bag.  WANT!

Mossy again.

Wish I could have such a good tummy.

I just like this.  I like her allure.

Mila Kunis again: look at that gorgeous leg.

Mad Men woman....ummmmm....January Jones!  So slim.

A wee bit grimey - her bod is stunning.

One word - ABS!

Old school chic <3

I whip ma hai....nah, I'm just joking with ya...though I do love Willow Smith.  

Olivia Palermo - her looks are so slim, and she's not even wearing heels!

Wind and rain = Glasgow :(

Abs again.  I'm obsessed.

Thinness in the face too.

Audrina Partridge - the hair is a FAIL but the body is killer.

Stunning photo, stunning skin, stunning collar bones.

Just watched 'Britney Glee - Brittany is INCREDIBLE!

Must try harder.  You're disgusting, brightday*b - simply disgusting...