Hello Barbie darling,
The start of this is to you. The boy wants me to see someone. He's going to make me apparently. No way. There's no way that I'm going to a doctor. My mum got her life fucked up because of psychiatrists. Na-ah, not gonna happen. I said that I would just stop talking about it but he said though that it would make he sad if I didn't talk to anyone about it. So I should talk to him. He just doesn't seem to have any leeway for me, its always that he is right and I am wrong. maybe I am but I always end up saying that this has been going for almost 10 years and I'm not dead yet. Not skinny yet, either.
I saw your photo, you are beautiful, dark haired, smiling, mysterious. I know that everyone has bad days, but perhaps maybe part of your dreams coming true will be to embrace those features of you that make you unique and the best actress you can be. Isn't acting about taking reality and warping it to make it fit into a non natural space? So surely you must know and accept and embrace your own reality, truly, before you can displace it?
A.beautiful.mess, hello, my love!
Lol, we've blogconnected. I hope you're doing ok with the bingeing. I literally inhale when I binge, but it's also not mindless. If I accept that I'm doing it, then I will drink water, water, water. So I can purge. Purging is a new thing for me, relatively. It only started in the past year or so. I guess that living with flatmates (in an old, creaky, thin walled flat) means that I can only binge and purge when they're out. Or else risk a massive 'hoo ha' over it. I came in drunk once, and had to puke so I could sleep - my (bad) flatmate ran in IMMEDIATELY and started fussing about all the cleaning. It was in the toilet for crying out loud, get outta ma space, bitch! Hmmm. Sometimes I have felt binges looming, but have managed to control myself by really slowly savouring that first bite. It makes me reassess the binge, especially if I don't actually want any more of the food. Which is actually most of the time. I've noticed that I don't enjoy the food, even things that I crave. The taste is never as good as what i make it in my mind. If only I didn't have to eat.
Run I don't mind you laughing. I mean, purging has to be made kinda funny, or else how can it be lived with? Seeing lots of sliced ham (I know, weird thing to binge on, but I really like ham!) come back up, just the same as when they went down is sorta disconcerting.
I hope that Nigel doesn't embarrass you too much, I bet that made his day :P
Lillie Flower Thanks for your comment. I wish I could have some sort of positive for tomorrow. But the only peace I get is in sleep. My brains is so preoccupied with food and unhappiness, in a whirl. I guess though, that I don't want to make purging meaningless, otherwise it will mean that bingeing sorta becomes ok, because I can just purge after.
I think I'm a little bit more caught up. Some blogs stay on my mind, for reasons other than the amazing responses and there are some girls that I am concerned for. I guess, I just want you to know that I am sending you my love, and it is there to wrap you up and heal some pain, even a little. I don't know if you feel alone, so I hope that the mental cyber connection we share, just by these blogs is strong enough to carry my love and hope to you.
*******
I am tired. My muscles hurt from the weights session and hockey training from the past two days. I need to get this Literature essay written. I'm grumpy because my flat mate keeps inviting his mates over for hours, making them dinner and letting them stay, and being noisy speaking so loudly and playing guitar, when I have so much to do. he knows this as well, as I have to shut all the doors. He stays up into the wee hours and gets his work done, but I have to sleep.
Plus I need food and they're all in the kitchen, and I don't have the energy to prepare a meal and have them sat there staring at me.
I'm still on 1200 calories. I even managed a little bit of pasta in that limit today (I normally have to fill it up with protein, and always aim to be under 100g of carbs) so that's an accomplishment.
I'm down.
134.75lbs
Goal is 130lbs before I go visit my mum, a week on Thursday. Easy...thats what she said :P
i know exactly how you feel about not wanting to 'see someone'. the last time i went to a psychiatrist, i was on my knees, crying and begging, promising to gain weight because they were threatening that i would not be able to go to university. so i gained. and thats how i got here. but they fucked me up more than if they just let me be!
ReplyDeletei know it sounds crazy, but i promised myself that if people start to get on my back again, i might just 'do a lie'. i might tell people that i am seeing a doctor or councillor when actually i am not...ill leave that with you. i dont want to be too much of a bad influence.
the second part of your reply means a lot :) you are right, i need to love, appreciate and embrace myself before i can be a great actress. superfox seems to like his blondes. but i know that he likes me best.
have some cyber-love :)
barbie x x x x
I hate it when there are people around to watch me eat, or even just to prepare the food. Like oh, is she going to eat ALL of that. Although when I am around a particular friend of mine I try to get my binges in because I want her to think that I look like this and can still eat anything. I'm not sure she's convinced! Good luck for 130! My current goal as well... well "current" - my end of the week goal :) Skinny thoughts! xo
ReplyDeleteI promised my mum that I would never let the psychiatrists get hold of me and I never will. They ruined her life and gave her brain damage, they ruined my mum and I have never known her true person. How the hell do I forgive them that? She means the most to me out of everyone so I am going to stick by my promise. I'm not ready to give up this disorder so I need to be more careful. I can be quite blatant about it sometimes. So no more admitting things. I may have to feign an epiphany and pretend I'm recovering. I'm here, alone, with no one to answer to and I can fall as fucking hard as I want. Lots of love, Barbiedoll xxx
ReplyDeleteI live with a boy...they are amazing to give food to. When they're your friends but not emotionally attached/in 'the know', you can just palm food off on them. It's great! I gave my flatmate half of my (healthy) chill con carne last night, no questions asked. It lead to my chocolate binge, but that's my fault, not the fault of food sharing. I just knew I had spare calories and I wanted something shitty...but thats gotta stop. I can't keep bingeing and purging. Maybe I might just start purging everything, but I definitely can't keep putting chocolate in me, it doesn't purge well. Fast, fast, fast today! 130 in a week, we can both do this. Lots of love, FP xxx
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