I know that I need to restrict again...maybe little baby steps.  1000 cals for two weeks, then onto 800 cals.  I've been on 800 before and it's hell on earth but I can manage it.  I love doing cardio and lots of weights, they help so much, but it gets so hard to go much lower than than 800 when you're active.  Plus my BMR is around 1500 at my current weight, which is what I burn in a day, without doing anything.  I'm so bloated and sad and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere.  I leg-pressed 136kg today, so I know that I'm improving, and my thighs are getting so much firmer, but the jiggle is persisting.  I've been properly (and 99.9% honestly, by which I mean I don't log most herbs or spices, mainly because I don't use them much and always forget!) been logging my food and exercise in FatSecret.  That site is amazing.  But I will do it here, so maybe I can get some pointers out there on my diet, in terms of getting rid of the fat???

Breakfast:

30g bran flakes (100)

100g low fat natural yogurt (55)

Lunch:

150g lean cooked, skinless roast chicken (282)

40g stilton (166) [ Naughty, I know :( ]

35g low fat onion and chive cream cheese (43)

1/4 cup sliced red grapes (28)

2 cups chopped romaine lettuce (8)

1 tsp apple balsamic vinegar (8)

Dinner:

150g lean cooked, skinless roast chicken (282)

1 tbsp ketchup (15)

1 Activia light cherry yogurt (72)

30g bran flakes (100)

Drinks:

2 cans of 7Up Free (0)

I normally eat less carbs than that, but I needed some fibre and couldn't be bothered with cooking dinner.  I always pre plan my meals for the next day, especially as I have to grab breakfast very early in the morning, and also take any lunch with me because I'm studying all day.  I'm so tired and sick of reading. I have completely wasted this afternoon, with naps and sitting on my bed with my laptop.  My life is sooo boring, lol.  

And the cheese was a bit of a treat to myself, which I don't think I deserved.  I have a weakness for cheese and fruit together and the salad I made was pretty amazing, despite all the cheese evilness!  

I feel like some ED fraud right now, talking so flippantly about meals and calories and cheese.  I'm on a knife edge and I'm literally clinging on for dear life, not to spiral back into this.  I have a love/hate relationship with how boney my chest is, and how jutting my ribs and hips are; I'm proud and also repulsed.  Why can't I be a goddess, with firm golden skin and perfect limbs?  Why am I tired, boney but flabby wreck?

My boyfriend is starting to get worried.  He hates me being on 1200 a day, so I will have to hide the restriction from him.  He's bringing me protein shake in a week, so I can start meal replacing.  I need to be skinny and have a proper thigh gap and have ABS!  I will do this.