Back :(

Hello every shining star out there!

I'm finally able to face coming onto my blog.  The whole mess that I am has been an utter wimp.  I'm so ashamed and frustrated and tired.

I've been bingeing a lot.  Not always with purging, after.  Sorta admitted it to the boy...had a little cry, he's leaving me alone about the whole thing.  It must be as tiring for him as it is for me.  We always want to be left alone, to practise our shame in peace and not hurt anyone, but this THING that has a hold of us just has to affect everyone else.  He also found my blog.  I don't know how, I haven't asked.  So I guess that's why I haven't been on here much.  I dunno if he's looking.  I hope he isn't.  This helps me sort the crap out in my head, keep control, and I don't want him getting so caught up in me, when this is just meant to be a personal vent.

I'm UP...the dreaded up.  I hate that bitch.  Ana is an obvious bitch, she's vicious.  Mia is just paranoid and a purist.  But Up is the worst.  You don't know where you stand with Up.  You don't know if she will stay, or increase or decrease and you don't always know why.  She torments us, even with just the idea of her.  At least we know what to expect with Ana and Mia...but not up.  Bitch!

My boy wants me to a fit, muscly, and very strong.  But you know what?  I wanna be skinny.  I wanna be tiny and light and slender.  I think that I can't be happy with muscly - it's still big.  'Course I want to empower myself and be sporty and impressive.  But I'm not an athlete.  I have these humungous legs that can't run very fast (where's all the power?) I have a strong back and arms, but I can't lift much.  I have a core that could rival most (mainly from 'suckin' in since the age of 10), but no abs showing through.

It just doesn't seem to come to anything.  I make no progress.  Boy wants me to eat more, like 1500-1800 (or my muscles will eat themselves) but I will get muscly fat and then have to 'cut' after...and I know that I can't cut.  I'm too saggy and baggy and will just get worse with the extra stretching from being so friggin' big.  I don't get why my muscles aren't doing the work they should be.  Making me skinny.

I can't deal with this anymore.  I want the lonely comfort of 800 a day.  I just don't want those fuckin' cupcake dreams anymore.  Boy said that he doesn't 'crave' thing...well bully for him.  Try living with food on your mind CONSTANTLY.  In dreams, when you wake up, when you go to bed.  All day.  Forever.

I hate me...I really do.

CW: 143.25lbs