I feel like an idiot writing this to someone, because I know very few actually look at this, but I think it's going to keep me sane for half an hour and right now I need that.
I am so hungry...
It's driving me nuts. God, I remember when I could not eat for 3 or 4 days and be just fine. Now I am hungry even after I've finished a meal. Or at least within 15 minutes. It's like the food has never been eaten. In a way, it's a waste! I'm getting so little pleasure and satisfaction from eating, what is the point? All these stupid tips to keep you feeling full don't work. If you're restricting then you WILL be hungry. And hunger is a bitch!
It's not like I'm even that low: 1200 cals a day. Which is three healthy but smallish meals a day and drinks, usually. I have one carb meal, usually bran flakes or jacket sweet potato or fruit or sweetcorn and the rest is low carb veggies. All have high protein levels, so I'm having about 80-100g of protein a day. And usually less than 100g of carbs a day. I don't worry about fat intake as I don't eat very fattening food, nor much added sugar, but I am worried about fibre...need more...
I will post stats and perhaps a picture tomorrow. Big step!
Lol! Just realised how dry this all is. No one cares, it's really not that interesting. I'm just a hungry, tired, ugly, fat bitch...or as a girl recently described me "fat
LOL! That that's a laugh. Hmm, what else is interesting is how many people have disappeared over the summer...some who were in deep and others who weren't committed but still some suprises. My love to everyone going through this.
In other news, I have a great boy, who told me he loves me, only a couple of weeks ago. We'd been dating, but weren't actually in a relationship but now we are and now I can smile and tell him that I love him too.
I'm back at uni, in my gorgeous new flat; high ceilings, cream walls, wooden floors. fireplace in each room and with all my favourite things. I have some movie posters up, from when I worked at the cinema - Wristcutters, Tales from Earthsea and Persepolis :)
I also have a little sunflower plant that my boy got me. She looks like she's dying, but there are buds growing and ready to open, so I know she's not. And my big tiger banner all the way from Xi'an in China. And two prints that the boy got me, of Marylin Monroe and her Chanel (hung over my make up and perfume table, to remind me to be glamorous) and of my favourite movie, Spirited Away.
We trekked to Ikea to get some frames as well as other bits, like a quilt set to go with my red, white and blue theme! I have my stolen ensign from ship acting as a mantle for my little sofa chair and a cute little Britannia flag cushion.
Hmmm, Oh! And a Rihanna poster, but I'm waiting on a frame. The Boy got me her perfume as a surprise. He's such a sweetie, apart from when he sprayed it in my mouth when I exclaimed in delight. Lol, I wonder how many calories are in Reb'l Fleur???
I think I'm just putting off why I'm back. I'm back because I can't eat one chocolate from a selection tin without being wracked with guilt, because I can't get through half the day without being exhausted, because I can't bear the idea of eating 1500 cals, like the Boy is begging me to. Because I can't get a job.
Because I need this...it's who I am, I need to be perfect and ED is perfect. Ha! Remember the insulting girl, her name is Edie, perhaps it's a sign, that ED knows that I have not been faithful, knows that I constantly think of her and that she's still in my head, knows that I am not happy. That I am full of hate and despair that not even a glimmer of all bright happiness can dispel, like shadows in your head, that cannot be illuminated.
You fall into the dark places, but the fall is not always because you trip...
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