A glimmer of abs!

So the past two days haven't gone as planned.  Yesterday was fine, up until I went to 'work', as in the Navy unit.  And there was free port...
(the Navy lurves port and it's kinda hard not to start liking it too) and no way was I giving up free booze.  Plus it was for toasting and you kinda have to just go with it and be a good sport.
And I had also needed a massive coffee as I could barely keep my eyes open during the day and lectures and so was supa pepped.  All this amounted to not taking much persuasion at all to go out to my favourite club after drill.
It was a Fuck It moment right there and then.  I'd not had dinner, so could basically put the alcohol from before 12 on my 'tab' and still be under 1200.  And then after 12, I can just put that on for the new day and fast after.  I didn't drink too much as I'm a drink mixer and was already nicely tipsy, but the problem was the double cheese burger I wolfed down like a little piggy at 2am this morning.  Damn you Barbeque Kings!!!  And then four little chocolates when I got in.  Shit :(

I feel like shit for not having a good diet day but until I caved in and ate an Innocent Veg Pot (Thai coconut curry, not very good though so avoid) and some Quorn (fake chicken) this afternoon I actually had ABS!!!  Like full on showing through abs!  I think I must hold water or something, more than I realise and that's why they don't how much, but it was gratifying to say the least.  Plus I got a fair few compliments from my outfit.  It was a cut out black top, laddered black tights (but in a pattern, if that makes sense, not just holey, lol) and a little pair of Hollister denim shorts, with black suede wedged shoe boots.  The shorts were a size '3' which I reckon is a UK 8, which is ok, I guess.  Gonna try and get into a 6 before Christmas.  That's the dream!  We have just recruited some new starters to the Unit and they all commented how different I looked from an hour before when I was in my knee length wool skirt, big white shirt done right up to the top, gross court shoes, tie and epaulettes.  I felt skinny too, I could tell that people thought I'd lost weight.

And I have.  I'm 9 stone 9.5 pounds.  Which is 135.5lbs.  Which I know is still fucking massive but it is also only 10.5lbs from 125, which is my GW.  I hate being so up and down, but 1200 feels manageable, most days anyway, and I try and keep my fibre and protein high.  The boy wants me to eat my BMR total, which is around 1500, but I just can't do it.  I might pretend, just so he stops getting upset.  I've 'promised' to have dinner tonight.  Well sort of, just mused about having beef stir fry to him after he complained when I said I would have nothing.  I hate lying, but I need to do this like this.  I need to starve a little.  I need to be skinny.
We skyped this evening and I was wearing his Led Zepplin tshirt (theived from him :P) and a little pair of pink and silver knickers, so he ended up seeing my butt and tummy and all he could say was how beautiful I was and how much he wanted me.  I want him too but gotta wait two weeks.  I dunno why I've been like this, it must be him.  Lol, sorry if this is TMI though??

Anyway, the day has been pretty good.  I got one of my Lit books read (Achebe's Things Fall Apart) which I have to say is not have as amazing as all my lectures think.  They properly bum Achebe but he's got a horrible writing style and is no way as impressing as they say he is.  I'm now on Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, which has spoken to me more in the first few pages than all of TFA did.  I also got an email about a job interview for a Press officer for a local film and TV producing studio.  It's voluntary with a view to be full paid, and looks an a pretty ace job if I get it.  And I also got a pretty good response when I asked about a takeaway job near my flat, so dropped a CV in this evening.  Fingers crossed!
If I get a job and get paid, I am gonna start getting my tan on because it always makes you look better and I'm fed up of being pasty.  And if I get a job and get to size 6/125lbs then I'm going to get my belly button pierced or get some microdermals.  They look so pretty.  I would get some jewelled ones, probably under my collarbone on each side.  Oh!  and I got made a 'Sea Mum', which basically means that I have to look after a new recruit (who's name I have forgotten :S) but also that my Boss actually kinda trusts me.  Kinda...which is a start, because he HATES me.  Lol.  Yay!

Anyway, this was only meant to be quick, just to keep up with the blogging and the weight loss.  I hate going up and down on the scales and I just wanna maintain when I reach a better weight.  And this seems to keep me sane.
And I will also get some body shots up so you can kinda see what I'm battling against and also of my nice new flat.  Promise!

Love x

Slipping back...

Hi...
I feel like an idiot writing this to someone, because I know very few actually look at this, but I think it's going to keep me sane for half an hour and right now I need that.

I am so hungry...

It's driving me nuts.  God, I remember when I could not eat for 3 or 4 days and be just fine.  Now I am hungry even after I've finished a meal.  Or at least within 15 minutes.  It's like the food has never been eaten.  In a way, it's a waste!  I'm getting so little pleasure and satisfaction from eating, what is the point?  All these stupid tips to keep you feeling full don't work.  If you're restricting then you WILL be hungry.  And hunger is a bitch!

It's not like I'm even that low: 1200 cals a day.  Which is three healthy but smallish meals a day and drinks, usually.  I have one carb meal, usually bran flakes or jacket sweet potato or fruit or sweetcorn and the rest is low carb veggies.  All have high protein levels, so I'm having about 80-100g of protein a day.  And usually less than 100g of carbs a day.  I don't worry about fat intake as I don't eat very fattening food, nor much added sugar, but I am worried about fibre...need more...
I will post stats and perhaps a picture tomorrow.  Big step!

Lol!  Just realised how dry this all is.  No one cares, it's really not that interesting.  I'm just a hungry, tired, ugly, fat bitch...or as a girl recently described me "fat fucking cunt"


LOL!  That that's a laugh.  Hmm, what else is interesting is how many people have disappeared over the summer...some who were in deep and others who weren't committed but still some suprises.  My love to everyone going through this.
In other news, I have a great boy, who told me he loves me, only a couple of weeks ago.  We'd been dating, but weren't actually in a relationship but now we are and now I can smile and tell him that I love him too.
I'm back at uni, in my gorgeous new flat; high ceilings, cream walls, wooden floors. fireplace in each room and with all my favourite things.  I have some movie posters up, from when I worked at the cinema - Wristcutters, Tales from Earthsea and Persepolis :)
I also have a little sunflower plant that my boy got me.  She looks like she's dying, but there are buds growing and ready to open, so I know she's not.  And my big tiger banner all the way from Xi'an in China.  And two prints that the boy got me, of Marylin Monroe and her Chanel (hung over my make up and perfume table, to remind me to be glamorous) and of my favourite movie, Spirited Away.
We trekked to Ikea to get some frames as well as other bits, like a quilt set to go with my red, white and blue theme!  I have my stolen ensign from ship acting as a mantle for my little sofa chair and a cute little Britannia flag cushion.
Hmmm, Oh!  And a Rihanna poster, but I'm waiting on a frame. The Boy got me her perfume as a surprise.  He's such a sweetie, apart from when he sprayed it in my mouth when I exclaimed in delight.  Lol, I wonder how many calories are in Reb'l Fleur???

I think I'm just putting off why I'm back.  I'm back because I can't eat one chocolate from a selection tin without being wracked with guilt, because I can't get through half the day without being exhausted, because I can't bear the idea of eating 1500 cals, like the Boy is begging me to.  Because I can't get a job.

Because I need this...it's who I am, I need to be perfect and ED is perfect.  Ha!  Remember the insulting girl, her name is Edie, perhaps it's a sign, that ED knows that I have not been faithful, knows that I constantly think of her and that she's still in my head, knows that I am not happy.  That I am full of hate and despair that not even a glimmer of all bright happiness can dispel, like shadows in your head, that cannot be illuminated.

You fall into the dark places, but the fall is not always because you trip...

Shorts!

Ellie Goulding <3

Heehee, doing it old school!