Emergence...

So I have finally dared to raise my head out of the pile of shit I have consumed over the last week and a half.  I feel utterly disgusting and impure.  It was like my will was broken.  I'm so sick of being hungry, and just giving in.  Nothing satisfies, so why do I even bother?  Anyway, while I compose myself, here's some lovely pictures from my unproductive websurfing!

Hmmmm... I don't know if that helped me, but hopefully they will help anyone who reads this....anyone...anyone at all?


So my week since Cake Sunday started pretty well.  I have been struggling with upping my calorie intake from 800 to 1200, bouncing about all over the place, and truthfully it doesn't feel right being so high.  I think that I will have to work on lowering it, slowly, so I don't notice too much.  
I had been hitting the gym too, which is great to suppress your appetite, oh, for about an hour...and then you're fuckin' ravenous!  But my gym sessions had been good, a good buzz as a flatmate would say (Size 6, skinny bitch).  Been doing 30 minutes cross trainer and 30 minutes interval running, which burns 700 cals.  Then I did some weights too.  
But that has to stop.  Which is mayby while I'm feeling like such a moody cow.  I have been seeing a physiotherapist (whole new story from that one, that has screwed me up) and she had to test my hips today, so got 'stretched'.  Only I let her push me too far, and now I am in actual constant agony.  My left hip keeps giving way underneath me.  How the fuck am I suppose to exercise, I can't even swim now.  She's lovely, but I have been sworn off running and I'm 'ripping'.  
As for the physio, for some reason I found myself admitting that my eating was 'disordered' (hell, my whole fucking existence is disordered) when she asked me about stress.  She told me that I need to be healthy, to stop all these aches and pains and she actually made sense.  So now I have this massive conflict between being healthy, eating 1200 cals a day (so me ticker doesn't give way) and actually losing all this disgusting weight.  I thought that 125lbs wasn't too hard, but it seems like miles off!  It's really not that hard, so why is my body clinging onto the flab so much????

So this is Vita Sackville-West, a complete slut, and Virginia Woolf's lover.  I spent the day last Wednesday listening to talks on Orlando, VW's 6th (?) book.  Then saw the play after.  The talks were great and V SW was just so haughty and naughty and independent, I couldn't help but like her.  
Anyway, I got all inspired and decided to start keeping a notebook on me again (like I used to in art college) and might start on some poetry.  Maybe I could write an ED-NOS sonnet, and win £25 in my uni competition.  Maybe...
The play was crap, however.  Looking forward to reading Orlando though, it's gonna be a surreal one.  VW also came up with 'granite and rainbows' and 'clay and diamonds'.  I like the second better, perhaps once I can wash all this clay off, I can reveal a diamond underneath?
So the weekend consisted on a ship weekend, and that is where all my hopes fell into shards of iridescent glass at my feet.  I was doing really well, even though I was starving (no carbs, just tuna salad, apples, milk, tea) and freezing cold all day - I burnt about 3000 calories...until the last hour!  And the call of KitKat Chunkies were just too much.  Did I stop at one?  Did I hell!!!  I bought two...then I got home...and I ate two maltloaves (they're like 700 calories in one tiny malt loaf), with peanut butter and jam and butter.  And I ate scones and pastries and a doughnut.  It was like I was some sort of cake machine.  I managed to purge one lot, but then I just couldn't stop topping up the tank with sugar and pastry.  The flood gates had been opened.  Then on Monday I was doing ok, with food - on track, not great, but not terrible and gym was a good session.  And then I went out.  So had all the calories from the alchohol, then fried chicken and chips, then a scone, then two chocolate bars.  And I felt fucking dreadful.  There was no satisfaction from it all, just discomfort and indigestion.  So the past two days have consisted of buckets of water, lots of veggies and 18 laxatives.  I am finally unblocked, you might say.  I just wish that I didn't gobble things when I binge, that I stop to drink water, so I might have a cat in hell's chance of purging after.  I do try, but it's like my throat just closes up and I can only gag.


So where has this mammoth shit-tip left me?  I weighed myself at the gym (full from the weekend, and at the end of the day) and I was fucking 138.2lbs.  There is no firmness in my stomach anymore and my butt looks huge.  I am a complete mess and I just want to get back on track.  I want to be able to fast again.  I used to be able to go for 3 or 4 days with no food, only water, and now I can't even manage 3/4's of a day.  
Anyway, I'm going home tomorrow, and will be busy all weekend, so maybe I can check myself and sort all this crap out.  


Food today:
Tinned apricots (120g) - 38 cals.
Greek yogurt (three tbsp) - 136 cals.
2 medium eggs - 129 cals.
7 asparagus spears - 17 cals.
Rocket and spinach salad - 15 cals.
Low-fat salad cream (1 tbsp) - 28 cals.
10 sun-dried tomatoes - 50 cals.
1 slice of blue cheese - 60 cals.
Margarine (1 tsp) - 13 cals.
1 mince pie - 256 cals. 
1 cup red grapes - 110 cals.
2 poppy thins - 40 cals.
Peanut butter (1 tsp) - 48 cals.
Sugar-free jam (1 tsp) - 5 cals.
Rhubarb Activia - 115 cals.
1 cup of broccoli - 31 cals.
1 yellow pepper - 28 cals.
1 can of tuna (brine) - 119 cals.
Rocket and spinach salad - 15 cals.
Worcester sauce (2 tsp) - 10 cals.


Water, Vanilla tea, SF lemonade, Milk (10ml) - 4 cals. 


Total: 1269 cals. intake.  NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
I have done yoga and an hours brisk walk today, because of the hip, so this is all going to show.  


GOAL: 
I need to reduce to 800 cals maximum, in order that I can reach 112lbs.  Hopefully I will see some drop in the scales over the next couple of weeks.  Need to be 125 by December.  

Sunday Cake

I thinks it's kinda positive and uplifting to allow yourself a fantasy.  Like Shelley says, we're all bound up by Love, and we need to feed our souls.  So Going to have a Sunday Eye Treat of some delicious cake (and recipe) to take us to heights of sublimity.
A lovely link to a recipe for
Boo-tiful Halloween Cake

And since it's Halloween (but I'm not a kid, and can't stand all the sickly orange, purple and green icing), I thought I would include Devil's Food Cake :D.....hehe *cough*...see...see, what I did there? *cough*

Just because I have been craving Creme Eggs (and you don't really find them 'til Easter) I thought I would include these

JavaCupcake

Off for a cuppa now, typical pom, with me tea (and no cake)

Losertown...is that like Lazytown? Bahahahahahahaaaaa!

Day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
11/06/2010	132.63	2172.75	1372.75
11/13/2010	129.9	2153.54	1353.54
11/20/2010	127.21	2134.6	1334.6
11/27/2010	124.56	2115.92	1315.92
12/04/2010	121.94	2097.51	1297.51
12/11/2010	119.36	2079.36	1279.36
12/18/2010	116.82	2061.46	1261.46
12/25/2010	114.31	2043.81	1243.81
01/01/2011	111.84	2026.4	1226.4

Soooooo.....on Christmas Day, I could be weighing less than 114lbs, if I keep eating 800 cals a day and exercise 3-5 times a week.  And NY would be my UGW!

...I dunno, I feel totally buzzed at this!

Also, I cried this morning when I watched the video for Katy Perry's 'Firework'.  How revolting.

I wish I had scales...

Was meant to fast today...and didn't.  I didn't even try and now, reflecting on it, I feel pathetic.  I feel like the reasons I'm doing this are getting fuzzy.  I need to keep caring, for it all to still matter.  Because it does. And it always will.  And if I let it escape me again, I will just spiral UP again and have to start all over.  Which I REFUSE to do.

I'm at home right now, no uni, so fasting is so hard.  I have so much work to do and it's making me starving hungry.  Been trying to fill with water (does that not work for anyone else?)  Maybe I could try a little day fast on Monday, to see how it feels.  Having been giving my body so much food, it's totally going to freak tomorrow.  But I will need to stay busy, to get my Philosophy essay handed in on time, so I have reason to stay in the library.  If I take my laptop, then I won't leave until late, as I won't be bothered to pack the whole thing up with me, just to go out to get food.  Hmmmm...maybe I can do this plan?  Let's see if I can surprise myself.
On some good news, I am now empty of oats, woooo!  A lot less hivey, but still a little itchy.  It really makes me appreciate a cool shower.

Anyway, I have to get a 1st draft written of my English essay.  It's on Frankenstein and Another Country.  I'm writing about reality and dreaming - about how big the gap is.  I guess the fact that the gap between our dreams is so frightening sometimes, that we want to give in.  But you have to remember the Romanticists.  They wanted us to take a look at nature, at its brilliance, and look introspectively.  Find sublime peace with ourselves.  And that peace is our Saviour.  We can mould it and shape it into any sort of resolution we like.  And if that means achieving our dreams, then we can do it.  That's great motivation, I think.

Food for today:

2 cups of black coffee - 7 cals
2 cups of vanilla tea - 0 cals
1 cup of green tea - 0 cals
2.5 litres of tap water - 0 cals
2 vanilla sweeteners - 14 cals
1 energy shot - 5 cals
125g of low-fat natural yogurt - 79 cals
120g of pomegranate seeds - 82 cals
50g of low-fat houmous - 128 cals
1 tbsp of tomato puree - 4 cals
1 bag of stir-fry veggies - 80 cals
1 tin of tuna (in brine) - 136 cals
1 serving of salad leaves - 9 cals
1 medium tomato - 22 cals
15g low-fat salad cream - 32 cals
1/2 cup quartered apple - 32 cals
1/4 cup berries - 12 cals
1 plum - 30 cals
10g of low-fat natural yogurt - 6 cals
1 tbsp of reduced-sugar apricot jam - 34 cals
185g of pineapple chunks - 89 cals

Wow, thats a lot of food.

Total is 769 cals
Burnt so far is 1930 cals

At least I have over 1000 cal deficit, I made sure.

Quote: "reduced to...beauty and elegance - as bones, after a long illness, came forward through the flesh" 

Inspiration for this week.

A Good Day, Ruined!

Was having a great two diet days, apart from I couldn't sleep for hours last night.  Was so, so hungry.  All I could think about was how I could make carb-free pancakes.  It was a little obsessive.  Then today I got up early, and got to the library and did 7 hours work, so burnt a fair bit, on top of 2 hours fast walking, with four heavy bags.  And then I went food shopping...and I was hungry.  And I had told myself that I could have a pastry for my breakfast, for working hard on my essay.  And then I bought two buns...and as soon as I got home they were opened and eaten in about 5 minutes.  How utterly disgusting.  But did I stop...no, like fuck I did!  Then I open a pack of pork salami that I bought and ate 100 grams of that.  Now that doesn't sound like THAT much salami, but that stuff is riddled with fat and put my calorie intake at 1605.  How utterly, fucking ridiculous.  I tried to purge, but the salami was not gonna come up, and that was on top of the cake...so now I'm full of watery cakey sausage and I feel like shit.  I bought such healthy food as well, and now I'm just gonna have to leave it and fast tomorrow.  All my veg is going off.  I should just give up buying stuff altogether.  I dunno...I'm tempted to make it into a low fat curry and freeze it...but I can't be bothered.  Off to drink a lot more water, finish this essay and take some laxies.  These allergic oats are still not outta me and I'm still a hivey bitch...an angry, hivey bitch >:(

Right, so totals today:

1 spinach & tomato omelette - 149 cals
1 portion of low-fat cottage cheese - 90 cals
1 banana - 105 cals
2 plums - 60 cals

And then it begins!
1 banana muffin with cream cheese and passionfruit frosting - 353 cals
1 'bear claw' danish with fruit and icing - 395 cals
100 grams of pork salami - 407 cals
1 tablespoon of relish - 19 cals

Water
Black coffee - 11 cals
Vanilla sweetener - 14 cals

Apparently I have burned 2259 cals today...hmmmmm....that's only a 655 deficit and really I should be aiming for 1000 cal deficit.  That can be my new goal for the weekend, to try and redeem myself! Good Luck Me, I'll need it!

So this my first post...and a half.  I kinda left things when I set this up as I was so, so tired and just didn't want to think about it.  But right now I'm sick, and although I have loads of uni work to do, I'm going to try this...justifying it that the concentration of typing will help with trying to write these essays.  Bahahahahahaaaaaa...as if!

I guess I'm in limbo at the minute.  I've had a crappy diet week, that I'm desperately trying to claw back, and now I've had a bad allergic reaction to porridge (of all things) and my body is swollen and covered in hives.  I'm oh so pretty right now!     I was trying to have a bowl of porridge, at least, every day because I had no energy at all and was so run down and unhappy.  I will have to find something else carby instead now.  Maybe Fruit & Fibre cereal.  It's my favourite...and it's cheap, and kinda reminds me of when I actually felt happy and normal, waking up on a Saturday morning in my boyfriend's bed, and getting up and having cereal together.  I would just stick with the no carbs, but I can't get anything done at all, and that's not helping my mood nor motivation.  So I'm allowing 1 carb meal a day.
I also have a throat infection, which is giving me a reason to drink more water.  I had got out of the habit last week, and that hadn't helped my stomach sensitivity from fasting, purging, bingeing and then eating normally.

Anyway, where to start, regarding me...
Ummm...my weight, maybe?  The boring (but interesting bit, that every disordered eater needs to know about every other disordered eater out there...and then some!)  Truthfully I don't precisely know at the moment.  I'm a 1st year Undergraduate and am living in Halls of Residence...and I don't have a scale.  My gym's scale has suspiciously disappeared.  How cruel of them!  The paranoia could well and truly kick in right now, eh? :P  Last two times I checked (about 1 month and then 2 weeks ago) I was between 140lbs and 132lbs.  I have a FatSecret account (buttercreambunny - come be my 'fatsecret buddy', the site is great as a food diary and calorie counter, I'm getting a little obsessed) and I'm using a generous 138lbs as my starting point.

So lets go with that!
SW: 138lb
GW: 125lbs
UGW: 115lbs
Height: 171cm
Measurements:-
Bust: 35in
Waist: 23in
Hips: 35.5in
BMI (at 138lbs): 21.6
Goal BMI: 18-19.6

I'm going home from uni in November and am dying to get on the scales.  Hopefully I can find a set before then.  In the last week or two I have noticed a difference in my thigh size, and I can now fit in a pair of jeans that I couldn't a week ago - how strange!  Great for me though, as they made my bum look pretty good ;)
Anyway, I'm trying to introduce myself and be all positive and bright...(we shall see how far that goes!)  I'm studying English and Philosophy ( and I am not loving it right now...the lectures are rubbish and I got my first essay back and only got a B grade).  I've been studying so long and worked so hard and it just feels like I can't do this...that maybe I'm just not as smart as people think I am.

I'm also in the University Royal Naval Unit, which is great.  I actually feel more like myself there, not like the disgusting halls I live in, where everyone are pigs, dirty lazy fat pigs.  I have to clean all their crap up all the time.  Then I just get called a crazy bitch!  As you can tell, I'm not feeling that high at the minute.  I have moments where I would just like to let go and disappear.  I've thought about it and I think I would starve myself to death.  I would have to go somewhere remote, away from TV and internet and become a starving monk or something.  That probably brings me onto something a bit more positive.

I love food, and cooking.  I love to make others happy with food.  I love to look at it and think about it and come up with recipes in my head.  Might have to post some good ones I have on here, if anyone wants?  It doesn't help food cravings though.  I made low cal/fat/sugar flapjack on Monday and have eaten all 8 slices already.  Definitely have learnt my lesson from that, considering that I look like one giant hivey scab now.  I have an obsession with cupcake blogs.  They're just so pretty to look at and so tasty to think about.  They drive me mad, but I still return!  In my hometown (not my actual birthplace) there is a cupcake shop and that thing is A-MAZING!  I actually can't wait to go back to Sheffield, just so I can have one.
http://www.fancie.co.uk/

But that's only if I've dropped weight.  I have to be at least 130lbs and if I'm not, then no cupcakes.  Incentive, eh?  Other than whoring myself out to (cup)cakes (and cheese!), I'm pretty healthy - I love veggies, fruit and eggs.  I don't drink that much or smoke or do drugs.  But I'm not a takeaway/fastfood-ie at all, and I don't eat bread, potatoes, pasta or rice if I can sincerely help it.  I did find an article about how not eating carbs helps your cells stay young, fit and healthy.  You actually live longer!  Now there's something to shove in the face of people who whine "but whhhhyyyyyyyyyy...chips and pasta and bread are sooooooo good, you're just wierd!"  Well actually I'm not!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1323758/Can-cutting-Carbohydrates-diet-make-live-longer.html

I love reading, especially kids books.  I took a course in it and it was so interesting.  I want to write my own.  I love classical music and Rihanna.  Hahahaha, bit far away from each other on the spectrum but she's like my guilty secret.  Her songs remind me of my best friend, A (Mia, in recovery - she says).  We used to sing along and dance to her all the time at school.  But now we're hundreds of miles apart and I haven't seen her for months.  I miss her.

Anyway,  finally, I thought I should explain why my UGW is so high.  I am actually cursed to be one of those people who look a heck of a lot lighter than they actually weigh.  My dad was super skinny but weighed as much as a shit brick house, and I have inherited this 'fantastic' trait.  Obviously I must explain that this isn't just about looks - I just want to be in control of MY OWN life, food, exercise.  I'm 22, for crying out loud, I wanna be able to LIVE how I want to.  I'm also suffering from depressed thoughts and loneliness.  I guess I'm one of those people who has no magnetism.  I have my mum, my boyfriend and A, and that's pretty much it.  And as for looks, dress size is a very helpful measure of your weight-loss when you don't have a scale.  I am currently a UK size 8, US size 2.  I guess I want to reduce that to UK size 4, US size 00.  Then I can still buy clothes.  I love clothes...

My weight history:
15yrs old - Weight: 14-14.5 stone, BMI - 30.2.  This is when this all started.
17yrs old - Weight: 12.5 stone, BMI - 26.  Finally getting a grasp on this.
20yrs old - Weight: 10.5 stone, BMI - 22.  Thinnest I had been in 10 years.
21-22yrs old - Weight 12.5 stone, - BMI - 26.  Put the major 'chuch' on through boredom, depression and relationship breakdown.
22yrs old - Weight 10 stone, BMI 20-21.  Finally on track.  I'm still dropping.

Diet mantra - no carbs, except fruit and veg, low sugar, lots of water, lots of exercise - treadmill running, swimming, strength exercises,
Fast/restriction - 500-800 cals p/day.  (I got freaked out about the stats regarding how much women should eat, during dieting, at least [1200 cals p/day, in order to not burn muscle, damage their hearts], so I'm contemplating trying for a medium of 1000 cals p/day, once I'm not sick and have got all my work done, as then I can get to they gym every day.
Diet problems - started abusing laxies, purging after meals.

Food today:
1 portion low fat cottage cheese - 90 cals.
390 grams chopped tomatoes (canned) - 88 cals.
1 teaspoon dried oregano - 4 cals.
1 cup of red grapes - 110 cals.
1 pack Tuna & Prawn sushi - 212 cals.
750ml Schweppes Diet lemonade - 12 cals.
1 cup vanilla tea, with 0.1% fat milk - 3.7 cals.
1 litre tap water - 0 cals.
Total: 507.7.
Energy burned, so far: 1648 cals.

Anyway.  Nanight for now, everyone.  Keep positive and focused.  Don't lose sight of your prize.  That binge might be seconds away, but it's not happened yet and you can still stop it.  Think how good you will feel after you've overcome it.  Your mind is guilt free, your body is empty, pure, light.  Your will is strong as iron.  You are perfect.
Top tip.  Bananas help sugar cravings.  Exercise helps ALL food cravings.  Your brain is the only prgan in the body that relies completely on glucose (nasty, nasty sugar).  Use it to lose it!
Does anyone know if cinnamon is an appetite suppressant?