So my week since Cake Sunday started pretty well. I have been struggling with upping my calorie intake from 800 to 1200, bouncing about all over the place, and truthfully it doesn't feel right being so high. I think that I will have to work on lowering it, slowly, so I don't notice too much.
I had been hitting the gym too, which is great to suppress your appetite, oh, for about an hour...and then you're fuckin' ravenous! But my gym sessions had been good, a good buzz as a flatmate would say (Size 6, skinny bitch). Been doing 30 minutes cross trainer and 30 minutes interval running, which burns 700 cals. Then I did some weights too.
But that has to stop. Which is mayby while I'm feeling like such a moody cow. I have been seeing a physiotherapist (whole new story from that one, that has screwed me up) and she had to test my hips today, so got 'stretched'. Only I let her push me too far, and now I am in actual constant agony. My left hip keeps giving way underneath me. How the fuck am I suppose to exercise, I can't even swim now. She's lovely, but I have been sworn off running and I'm 'ripping'.
As for the physio, for some reason I found myself admitting that my eating was 'disordered' (hell, my whole fucking existence is disordered) when she asked me about stress. She told me that I need to be healthy, to stop all these aches and pains and she actually made sense. So now I have this massive conflict between being healthy, eating 1200 cals a day (so me ticker doesn't give way) and actually losing all this disgusting weight. I thought that 125lbs wasn't too hard, but it seems like miles off! It's really not that hard, so why is my body clinging onto the flab so much????
Anyway, I got all inspired and decided to start keeping a notebook on me again (like I used to in art college) and might start on some poetry. Maybe I could write an ED-NOS sonnet, and win £25 in my uni competition. Maybe...
The play was crap, however. Looking forward to reading Orlando though, it's gonna be a surreal one. VW also came up with 'granite and rainbows' and 'clay and diamonds'. I like the second better, perhaps once I can wash all this clay off, I can reveal a diamond underneath?
So the weekend consisted on a ship weekend, and that is where all my hopes fell into shards of iridescent glass at my feet. I was doing really well, even though I was starving (no carbs, just tuna salad, apples, milk, tea) and freezing cold all day - I burnt about 3000 calories...until the last hour! And the call of KitKat Chunkies were just too much. Did I stop at one? Did I hell!!! I bought two...then I got home...and I ate two maltloaves (they're like 700 calories in one tiny malt loaf), with peanut butter and jam and butter. And I ate scones and pastries and a doughnut. It was like I was some sort of cake machine. I managed to purge one lot, but then I just couldn't stop topping up the tank with sugar and pastry. The flood gates had been opened. Then on Monday I was doing ok, with food - on track, not great, but not terrible and gym was a good session. And then I went out. So had all the calories from the alchohol, then fried chicken and chips, then a scone, then two chocolate bars. And I felt fucking dreadful. There was no satisfaction from it all, just discomfort and indigestion. So the past two days have consisted of buckets of water, lots of veggies and 18 laxatives. I am finally unblocked, you might say. I just wish that I didn't gobble things when I binge, that I stop to drink water, so I might have a cat in hell's chance of purging after. I do try, but it's like my throat just closes up and I can only gag.
So where has this mammoth shit-tip left me? I weighed myself at the gym (full from the weekend, and at the end of the day) and I was fucking 138.2lbs. There is no firmness in my stomach anymore and my butt looks huge. I am a complete mess and I just want to get back on track. I want to be able to fast again. I used to be able to go for 3 or 4 days with no food, only water, and now I can't even manage 3/4's of a day.
Anyway, I'm going home tomorrow, and will be busy all weekend, so maybe I can check myself and sort all this crap out.
Food today:
Tinned apricots (120g) - 38 cals.
Greek yogurt (three tbsp) - 136 cals.
2 medium eggs - 129 cals.
7 asparagus spears - 17 cals.
Rocket and spinach salad - 15 cals.
Low-fat salad cream (1 tbsp) - 28 cals.
10 sun-dried tomatoes - 50 cals.
1 slice of blue cheese - 60 cals.
Margarine (1 tsp) - 13 cals.
1 mince pie - 256 cals.
1 cup red grapes - 110 cals.
2 poppy thins - 40 cals.
Peanut butter (1 tsp) - 48 cals.
Sugar-free jam (1 tsp) - 5 cals.
Rhubarb Activia - 115 cals.
1 cup of broccoli - 31 cals.
1 yellow pepper - 28 cals.
1 can of tuna (brine) - 119 cals.
Rocket and spinach salad - 15 cals.
Worcester sauce (2 tsp) - 10 cals.
Water, Vanilla tea, SF lemonade, Milk (10ml) - 4 cals.
Total: 1269 cals. intake. NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
I have done yoga and an hours brisk walk today, because of the hip, so this is all going to show.
GOAL:
I need to reduce to 800 cals maximum, in order that I can reach 112lbs. Hopefully I will see some drop in the scales over the next couple of weeks. Need to be 125 by December.
