Slice

Had pizza (about 8 slices), drank LOADS of water.  Purged.  I think I got at least half up.  That's four slices, ick.  It was good, but not satisfying.  Going to fast on the coach down south tomorrow, smoothie and fruit.  Then 1000 cals each on the weekend,  I think there might be a gym, so might go work out too.

Lighter

I want to thank Somedayskinny for her comment - I appreciate it so much.  I feel so alone, and just to know that I'm not, even because one person is there, is such a relief.

Laxies have helped; down just under 10lbs from yesterday.  I ate a little - some vegetarian sushi (half the pack was purged), some apple kiwi lime smoothie, some fruit and some stir fry.  I purged the stir fry too.  Actually finally made myself drink after each bite and the purge lasted about 5 minutes, instead of 40 last time.  I've cracked it.
No gym today - I just couldn't face it.  I'm going to go tomorrow.  I'm sat up trying to read Hamlet and write on Herbert (a poet), so will probs be up all night.  Then a wee nap, then packing for my trip down south with the Navy, a swimgym sesh, and then drill tomorrow night.  It's a fast day until drill, as it's movie pizza night afterwards.  I know I won't be able to resist and I want to be sociable.  I might have a slice or too, I might eat the whole thing.  But if I'm drinking water, maybe I can fill myself up too much not to binge, then nip downstairs and purge in secret. There's the plan.
No alcohol either, so no extra calories.  Yay!

I have just over 2 months to look hot for R and I's Easter trip to London.  I'm going to be naked a lot (sorry if that's TMI), so need to get rid of this flab.  So I'm going to get back on track with running, start doing more pilates, and keep to under 1000 calories a day.  I simply can't manage to restrict to 850, not with how revved my metabolism is right now, I just binge.  So gotta add that extra 150 to try and help it out.  I know I can do that without feeling hungry.  And if I eat less, then wahey!

Anyway, BIG thinspo for today is stolen (again, I know, I'm sorry!) but is also London themed.

Whale

Normally I like whales...but I don't want to be one.  I've been in bed for 5 days, eating.  And now I weigh 151.8lbs.  Fucking hell...I mean, seriously.  What the fuck!!!???  Sorry if you're offended by swearing, but there's not much else I can say.
Laxies tonight, water and green tea tomorrow.  Gym tomorrow.
This isn't helping the whole anxiety/self hate problem, no sir-ee!
Why can't I just get past this?  Why am I failing?  I'm not making the effort, that's why!

Anyway, got antibiotics today.  *tiny woo*

Thinspo

Mila Kunis: I love this picture - her legs look incredible too.

Woooooo!

I have a feeling this was stolen off another blog, but I'm a sucker for light flashes! Sparkly!

Kate Moss: such easy confidence.

Avril Lavigne: very full of herself, but super skinny.

Katie Waissel: UK X Factor Contestant last nuts - crazy as a coconut, but wth?!

Watsherface from ANTM.  Purdy :D

Stolen, but I fricken' love this bag.  WANT!

Mossy again.

Wish I could have such a good tummy.

I just like this.  I like her allure.

Mila Kunis again: look at that gorgeous leg.

Mad Men woman....ummmmm....January Jones!  So slim.

A wee bit grimey - her bod is stunning.

One word - ABS!

Old school chic <3

I whip ma hai....nah, I'm just joking with ya...though I do love Willow Smith.  

Olivia Palermo - her looks are so slim, and she's not even wearing heels!

Wind and rain = Glasgow :(

Abs again.  I'm obsessed.

Thinness in the face too.

Audrina Partridge - the hair is a FAIL but the body is killer.

Stunning photo, stunning skin, stunning collar bones.

Just watched 'Britney Glee - Brittany is INCREDIBLE!

Must try harder.  You're disgusting, brightday*b - simply disgusting...

Been eating all weekend.  I hate being sick.  (N.B That's why I can't purge, my throat is too sore).  Just been in bed and eating.  I have so much work to do - 3 essays, and I can't see the doctor - no appointments left 'til tomorrow.

Everything feels so 'bleh'.  I feel bleh, my relationship feels bleh, my mood feels bleh, my work is bleh, my body is mega bleh.  I hate myself.  I don't know if that will ever change.  My mum said that we all have flaws, and that brought up a wave of sickness - I want to be perfect.  But I'm not.  I'm so utterly dislikable.  Part of me just wants to give this up, but I have been doing this for so, so long.  It would all be wasted.  I would be fat again, and miserable. This is never going to end...is it?

I don't know what else to say...I'm so full of desperation and regret and self hatred.  I don't think I will ever get out of it.  This has formed who I am.  Without that, I'm lost.

Fast today.  If I had been given antibiotics, then I would have had fruit, but no medicine, no food.  Just water and coffee and tea.
I have a careers appointment at the Navy today.  Then I have to work tonight.  I have to.  I need to get this essay written before Friday, if not before.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Reminds me of when ladies carried parasols in the sun, very Poirot-esque!

Love or Fat?

Make your decision this Valentines Day.  Will you...

Play footsies with your darling, or have to show off your 'piggies'?

Sweet lies?... shouldn't it be 'u r fat <3'?

Travel the distance, together?

Or weigh yourself down with chocolate, so you can't even walk?

Experience the world, looking beautiful and lovely?

Or pretend it' ok; 'there's fruit' is not excuse?

Looking sexy on holidays with your beau?

Or sug *ahem* I mean jelly thighs?

Pure devotion?

Or pink box encased flab time bombs?

Long walks, just in each others company?

Or letting blimp bling blind you?

Support through the hard times?

Or empty calories and mistakes.

Stay Strong! <3

Weigh down deep...

I don't have much to say, other that that it's becoming a recurring desperation of mine to want to die.

I'm not sure how to support this, or even if I'm sure.  But everything feels like it's turning into a vice that's gripping my chest and filling me with dread.  Maybe it's anxiety?

Managed yesterday with the fast, drank last night where I made up 1000 calories from sugary shots (I have a weakness for Sourz), and cried a great deal.

Om nom nom, Blackcurrant is the best, it's like alcoholic Ribena!

I just drifted home.  I was being ignored but the guy who promised that everything would be 'normal'...normal isn't being ignored, I can promise you.  It was only a fucking kiss, for goodness sake, get over yourself.  Made me feel like nothing.  Odd, considering I was wearing a size 10 (UK - that would be a 6 in the US) dress that couldn't seem to contain my massive, flabby body.

From H&M...I shouldn't buy strapless dresses; I have a very broad back and I always have to get a size up, then my boobs don't fit in and the dress is baggy on the waist.

It's quite unnerving, that feeling of wanting to disappear, but hating how invisible you become.

Binge today, but I don't care.  It seems I have a sinus infection, and all I want to do is eat bagels and sit in bed and watch Poirot.  Which, is what I'm gonna do.  About 2500 cals.

Anime Poirot??!!! >_<

Back to the sky tomorrow, gym, study, no food, health; maybe I will drift off, into the blue, cool expanse...high up til I reach the sun?  No, won't happen...I'm too friggin' fat.

Binge

Can't purge :(

1 pack of fig rolls.  750 calories
1 pack of malt loaf. 570 calories
2 tablespoons of peanut butter. 147 calories
...what about my night out?

= no food tomorrow, drinks on Thursday night, 183 calories on Friday.  Back to normal on the weekend.

Punishment.

Pigs can be pretty too!

Exercise Pigs

Skinny Pigs

Tiny Pigs

Feather light Pigs

Artistic Pigs

Lollipop Head Pigs

If you're a bit of a pig in reality, don't fret, you are a very pretty one!