Kiwi Fingers

I'm writing this with sticky, kiwi fingers, and itchy lips from gorging on 4 kiwi fruits.  Those things are damn calorific, I wont buy them again.  But at least not wasted, and will keep me on during my night coach home.
Not written in a while...I'm not sure why.  Things haven't been great, so you would think I would want to write, but I haven't.

I binged on Wednesday
...as in 4265 calories.

Now that's a fuck my life moment.  I tried so hard to purge it, but nothing would come.  It just felt like the tiny capillaries at the surface of the skin on my scalp were bursting.  Horrible and painful.  Needless to say, my thighs are paying for it.  They look so fucking huge.  I'm such a fat fucking bitch.  My stomach is fat, my legs are fat, all of me is so friggin' fat.  God I hate myself.  And no-one gives a shit about that either.

I've even told R that I've been purging...he has literally NOTHING, sweet fanny adams, to say about it.  He completely ignores me.  What sort of fucking boyfriend ignores that?  But that's him isn't it?  He never has anything to say.

I fasted on Thursday, and also had the most wonderful run - that's the only benefit to lots of food, it makes you feel so strong and fast when you exercise.  And I swam and walked and studied.  But still the precarious balance of fat on my legs tipped to the bad side.
Went back to 850 today, which felt like too much.  It felt like I didn't deserve that food.  It felt bad and wrong.  I swam and walked and played basketball today, plus studied, but I'm still so fucking huge.
Why can't I have just a hint of abs or just no leg wobble?  I do so much more than those fat whales lumbering around uni, yet, I see the whales in their cozzies, who only swim a little, and they have no wobble.  How does that shit work?

Anyway, I'm going home this weekend.  I have to eat fish and chips tomorrow, but I'm allowed to have a very lightly battered fish and some peas, and no chips.  So I'm hung up on the fact that I should be fasting and starving and purging and hating, and not eating...I fucking hate eating.

I have some thinspo collected...will post it when I get back.
Oh.  And I got an A in my English exam, that's why I didn't fast today.  Though I should have rewarded myself with a fast, rather than food.  Stupid bitch.

I actually just want to disappear into a puff of smoke.  Gone.

White day

Light sky

Cold morning gaze

Ablution

Damnit

Health

Dress

Effort

Stretch

Noon

Romance

Memories

Waning day

Sunset

Night life

But I'm not happy...

Restriction and exercise have been fine, I'm suprised I haven't been writing how happy I am to have gone a week sticking to 850 calories or less a day.  But I'm not happy.  I'm a dull penny.

I've been exercising every day, at least an hours swim, at least a 30 minute interval run, at least a bit of Pilates.  I know I've dropped a couple of pounds.  But I'm not happy.  I'm angry and frustrated.

I had a busy week; lots of walking about, lots of lectures, taking my friend out for her birthday, my navy meet, my Burn's night party, and it all revolved around food and alcohol and I didn't binge.  But I'm not happy.  I'm tired and lonely.

Some new model with a funny face...but she's gorgeous slim, see at the end!

The Littlest Kardashian

Stunning girl, a friend of someone I know on Facebook.  She oesn't know me...or that this is here.  Shhhhhh!

Babyface Jennifer Aniston.  I like her hair.  Mine is all 'rooty' again :(

Weird face, amazing figure.  

I tried to purge last night at the party, but I didn't get anything up, and ruined my make-up.  I didn't over eat.  Half a bread roll, half a coup of leek soup, 80g of vegetarian haggis, 6 small pieces of roasted turnip, 1 cup of coffee, 2 pieces of Scottish tablet.  3 diet cokes.  1 large glass of red wine.  Came to 554, but I had fasted the rest of the day.
I think I wanted attention, but didn't get much.  Some girl got off her face, and puked everywhere and needed to be taken in an ambulance.  And she took all the interesting people with her.  Stupid bitch.  And I was so cold.  Everyone else was so fucking hot, and opened windows, but I'm cold.  It never ends, this coldness.  The only thing I look forward to in a day is the sauna.  Mmmmmmmmm...toasty!  Did i get a sauna sesh today?  Did I heck!  Seriously though, I could sleep in there.
I got into some gossip conversations with one of the navy boys - apparently I'm fuckable...but not the most fuckable.  Some silly little twat is.  Blond and cute and thin and toned and little.  She's not even very nice.  She's rude, impolite, conceited.  I guess it ruined my night.  I was on edge anyway, because I was late.  But everything just wound me up and brought me down.
Oh.  And I got thrown on the floor in a ceilidh (kay-lee) dance, and smashed into my ribs.  Ouch.

On the plus side (so that's that a sauna exists near me, and I'm slightly fuckable), I have been sticking to dairy free and vegetarian.  No plans for full veganism yet.  Am getting there.  Oh!  And I'm going home next weekend and get to see R and the mammy.  Excited.
On the negative side.  It's not getting any warmer...did I mention I was feckin' freezing!!!!

Right.  Off to do all my housework and burn off my dinner (homemade coleslaw and weight watchers bread with melted vegan cheese, yum).

There's no title for today.  I just can't think of one.  I'm writing this before my uni day starts.  I have my first Politics tutorial today, but I'm not bothered.  It would have helped if I had done some work.  But I didn't.  R came this weekend.  It was good, great to see him.  But I was kinda happy to see him leave.  To be on my own again.  That's not good, is it?
We went for a meal on Saturday night.  He couldn't decide what he wanted and we wandered arund for hours.  I had been so hungry and feeling really faint, yet he still wouldn't make a decision (I didn't mind - anything would have been fine) and so we walked.  In the rain.  Finally we went to one of the first places we had seen, and I just gave up.  Not in, but up.  Had a sugary martini, then a chicken folded pizza (the name escapes me), then shared a cookie ice cream dessert.  It tasted great.  But his mood went. for some reason, and my high of just having a nice meal fizzled out.  We ran to a taxi and went home in silence.  Of course I just had to forget it.  No explanation from him.  Then sat and ate licorice and watched movies in bed.  It should have been nice, except that meal was stuck to my stomach, repeating on me all night.

Yesterday, I saw him off.  But I also got some groceries and some chocolate for my mum.  I ended up eating one (I was going to have nothing), and walking home.  Except I didn't stop.  I didn't head straight back out and go to the gym for a couple of hours, I sat at home and I ate.  I ate bread, and apple pies and peanut butter and smoothies.  Then I ordered a whole pizza to myself, with wedges and chicken strips.  I ate the sides and half the pizza.  I was so so full.  Then I drank more smoothie and lay in bed.  And watched detective stories.  It should have been relaxing and a nice reward for working hard, but it was just failure.  I walked to the shop and got a tub of ice cream (though I didn't like it and only at a little) - I gave the rest of the food to my neighbour.  Then I drank some water and that just pushed my stomach too far.  Fear of explosion.

I went to the bathroom and ran the taps.  I tucked my hair into my hoodie and I gently slide the toothbrush into my mouth, down to my throat, pushing it, until I felt something push back.  Over and over.  It was a relief.  The final push brought up so much.  I couldn't get anything else up, though there was still food in there.  I thought I might drink more water and try again, but still couldn't.  My gag reflex just went.

Now my stomach is distended and flabby and although I have delicious healthy food to eat, some of which needs eating, I'm not going to.  I had to write, I had to look at the blogs, or I would have done.  I just can't today.  I don't want to.  I just want to regain something.  Do some work and hit the gym and look at the blue sky and get over the weekend.  It's a food hangover maybe, but I'm so low. I wish I didn't have uni today, but it's better I go.

Calzone...that was it.

grey day, grey mood

Me: Hello blog.  How are you?
Blog: Oh, I'm ok, y'know, sitting here, waiting to be added to, blah blah blah, the usual.  How are you?
Me: I'm shit, blog.
Blog: Oh...have you been getting your fats?
Me: ...Blog?
Blog: Yes?
Me: Are you fuckin' serious?

Hmmmmmm.

Gym and diet have been fine.  Sticking at 850 calories (apart from last night, it was 858) and the day before where it was about 1000 - I wasn't gonna go mental over that because I ate very little, but had a piece of Starbuck's new Chocolate Hazelnut Loaf cake (dairy and gluten free), which I estimated at about 400 cals, maxiumum - it was 466.  So don't eat it.  It isn't worth it, I can promise you that.
But I resisted homemade biscuits, chocolates, popcorn and chips.  So gotta be thankful for small mercies.
I also have a rather useful male friend, called Bruce Willis.  He lives across from me.  He loves food.  He's a tall guy, and well built, and has no qualms about taking food I offer him.  Such as a massive block of cheese, some mince, some gammon and some salami.  All high cal, and not what I'm going for anymore.  I would rather he ate them, to be honest.  Plus he seemed chuffed (very happy in Nothern UK speak).

I've been going to the gym everyday.  I might go later, for a swim, as I was very weak yesterday.  I struggled.  Lucozade helped.  But it was worrying.  So a nice relaxing swim.  At my current weight and general swim speed, I burn about 400 calories for an hour, which isn't bad at all.  Then I have a lot of errands to run today so all the walking add to that, plus some major housework to be done on my shit tip of a room.

R might be coming up to visit me tonight.  It depends when he gets off 'work'.  'Work' is RAF training.  I'm praying for that.  He always makes me feel ace.  He knows that I'm not happy with myself, so he will keep me in check, but he also fancies me a ridiculous amount, and his pure adoration would melt the heart of any self hater.
Plus there's all that sexercise! Hehe.

Today so far is 358 calories : 30g of almonds, walnuts and pecans, a banana and some soya cream.  Sort of a brunch, which means room for a decent dinner later.

Here's some thinspo:

Some girl on the internet, with a supa hot body.  

Rooney Mara - wowzas!

Christina Aguilera: Burlesque.  I went to see it on Wednesday, very entertaining and very thinsperational.

Hayley Williams, Paramore: Stunning.

Megan Fox...

Christina again.  She looks so purdy with curly hair.

Theived from somewhere, but I'm a sucker for glitter.

Hayley again.  Only a skinny could wear such super cool yellow jeans.

Oh!  And I'm 143.4lbs as of yesterday morning.

A salad thief.

Hmmm, today has been hit and miss.  I hardly slept last night because of my residence 'mates' screeching until 4am.  And I needed to sleep so much.  So was a grumpy little shit this morning.  Got up and made an excuse for some form of breakfast (a banana and a cup of soya milk, 170) only to open the fridge and discover that an entire bag of carrots (that's like 1kg or more) and a tub of mushrooms had been pilfered.  Not impressed.  Others have had stuff nicked and it seems it was two guys that some of these 'mates' brought back.  I dunno, it just put me in a massively bad mood.  I'm so irritable lately.  I think it's this place.

Anyway, I ended up still making it to the gym, but because my muscles are very sore still, I went swimming.  And for a cheeky sauna at the end.  I'm feeling really in pain, so here's hoping I can cardio this bitch up tomorrow and burn all this revolting flab.  My only annoyance is that it hurts too much to tense my stomach muscles so I have to let it all hang out and I look pregnant.  Hopefully will be a little less pregnant looking tomorrow morning.  I need to be slim on Thursday as I am going to an Xmas party (bit late, I know, it got rescheduled) and want to tease all the boys.  Hehe.

Also had my first EVER politics lecture/lesson.  It went a bit over my head, not what I expected.  I hope it starts to make more sense soon.

Anyway, intake has been fine, though quite 'carby' today.  Have had 845 today.  Vegetarian sushi for lunch (392.5) and homemade veggie soup for dinner (160), but also a fair bit of dried fruit and an almond and a brazil nut (120).
Output was totaled at 2541, as long as I do 8 minute abs, my Pilates legs and some pushups to make 30 minutes.

Right, need a nap or something, I can't function.  Gotta make up a hot water bottle though, as I'm so cold.  Constantly.  I hope it's burning more cals though.

 

That's my dress from ASOS.  It's the mustard yellow one, though the blue pose is prettier.  I hope it gets here for Thursday.  Going to wear it with black opaque tights and black gladiator 6 inch heels and maybe a sequin jacket.

Yay, clothes cheer me up.

x

Sore

Today has been a good diet day, but I feel kinda blue.

Intake has been 840 calories (skipped breakfast, stir-fry with cashews for lunch and avocado and houmous, with a slice of bread and salad for dinner) and output has been 2925 calories, according to FatSecret.  I friggin' love that site.  I never wanna go over my daily intake limit, the guilt at seeing that percentage in orangey red rather than green is overwhelming.  I guess it kinda makes you feel good to be so in control compared to some of the MASSIVE intakes that some people have.  Just a wee bit superior, maybe?  But isn't that what this is about?  Being better than someone else...even just one?  Though be the best is, well, the best!

 

Maybe that's why I feel blue - I'm working hard at university and I'm not getting results.  I'm in the high B's, but I want A's and it's making me feel mediocre.  Very mediocre.  Especially if I look at some of the eejits (a northern UK word, for idiots) who surround me.

Anyway, I know that houmous and cashews and avocado is probably ringing alarm bells in my 7 followers (thank you, I really mean that...I'm struggling) as FAT FAT FAT!  But I'm not eating meat, fish or dairy, so I need to eat protein in some forms, and that has to include nuts.  I'm all about fitness and leanness, so I need to keep the protein high, in order to preserve my muscles.

So I have to sacrifice something, and that's keeping a very low fat diet.  My saturated fat intake is relatively low, despite this, and at the minute, this is all that concerns me.  I want high fibre and protein, and very low sugar.  Because I'm an almost vegan, I'm allowing, but limiting carbs.  In the UK, they have this great bread, called Burgen, that is high in protein and fibre and it tastes great, so having a little bit of it is keeping me sane.  Though at 110 calories a pop, maybe not that sane.  But I do have some WW bread in the freezer, if things get dicey.

My exercise today consisted of walking everywhere, about 2 hours, at a brisk pace; 35 minutes running on 'Variety' on the treadmill; 25 minutes weight lifting; 30 minutes of calisthenics and pilates.  Plus all my 'brain exercise' from study, and some light housework.  It felt good to get to the gym...well not during, but after was buzzey.  Now I'm super sore and had to crack open the ibuprofen gel.  I suppose that's good though.

Now for the real downer.  Weighed myself on the digital scales at the gym - after drinking 500ml of water, with clothes and trainers on, but no food eaten:  146.4lbs!!!!!  Fuckin' hell.  Now that is revolting. I'm trying to keep my head up, but right now I just feel numb.  Numb and flabby.

Gross.

The bananas have failed, the biscuits have been eaten...

Ok,  Thought I would start this again.  Something bright, something muted, something fresh all at once.

I have been looking for the bright days since the new year.  They seem to invigorate me...give me a bit of a push for the day ahead.  My kitchen gets amazing morning sun, the sort of sun where you could sit there and let is encompass your face as you sip some tea.  So that will be my ritual, I think.  I haven't drank enough green tea recently, very little in fact.  Maybe I should add that to a resolution.

For my own purposes I'm recording these, so don't bother reading them if you're not interested.  I quite often find I never make it to the end of others' mammoth promises towards retribution.  Some...well most...aren't very interesting at all.

Number 1: Drink 2 litres of water a day or more.  Not including tea, juice or milk.  For every cup of caffeinated beverage consumed, a cup of water must be added to the total.
Number 2: Travel the road towards Veganism.  No dairy, meat, fish or honey.  Eggs are currently allowed.
Number 3: Keep fat, sugar and carbohydrate consumption low and protein and fibre consumption high; you know the levels!
Number 4: Stop swearing, its unbecoming.
Number 5: Save your money for a shirt from Jack Wills, some Timbaland boots, some Hunter Wellies and a spree in Zara and on ASOS Black/White.  These are all UK brands...well apart from Timbaland, I think, that are pretty expensive.  Check them out.
Number 6: Get all your grades to A5 and above.
Number 7: Run outside more and get ABS!
Number 8: Take more photographs.
Number 9: Always be polished and presentable.  So nails painted, clothes ironed, hair styled, that sort of thing.
Number 10: Write a letter to R every week and an email to Mam every day.

Little and often should apply to blogs too, so I won't bother you anymore tonight.  Today was a humungous binge day for me and tomorrow is going to have mark a change.  It just has to.  I'm so fed up of failing, I feel so utterly downtrodden and half rate.  I just want to find a talent: a light in me that I can show everyone else, and that can only come from personal perfection.

Nanight x

cleansing thinspo

Thinspo and Inspo for me is about those images and thoughts that just stick in your mind, like little shiny things that influence you.  You want them so bad because you know they will make you happy...

Luxe is lovely :D

ASOS.com Marketplace

Willow.Smith.Is.A-Mazing!

Found in Glamour Magazine UK (Jan issue): Model is Shu Pei Qin.  I love her trousers.  I have a pair a little like that...more muted though.  If only me legs were as slim.

So free and happy.  I'm into Breton at the minute, so this is a more positive way of showing that.

I bought this parka, in khaki.  Waiting for my delivery from ASOS.com!  Excited!!!

I saw this a little while ago on 'I Told You Not To Eat' s blog and it stuck with me.  She just looks amazing to me.