I had a really good title for this earlier!

So......

I've decided to take the plunge and put some body shots on here, so you can all see what I'm talking about. About how much work I have to do.  I know that some people post photos to get attention, complements, whatever, but I'm posting mine because I want you to know more of who I am, and what I'm trying to do...because I think we both deserve that.

Nothing really shows on this, my hips jut a lot more and so do my ribs, but other than that, I have nothing positive to say about this...

Humoungous legs...like massive!!!  

The only thing I can say is that I wasn't 'suckin' it in' :(
I would appreciate only 'critique', if anyone has something to say.

Having a response from people this week has been absolutely amazing.  You have no idea how supported I've been feeling.  Y'know that clenching sick feeling when someone seems worried?  Well on here, it doesn't happen.  You just get love, and shared experience, and advice and support.
To Barbie, I commented earlier in my last post.  Something in what you said has stuck.  I think for my own mind, that I should laugh at my own restriction.  Don't take it seriously and it won't be a big deal.  It wont be on my mind all the time.  Isn't that the key to being skinny, to be a disinterested party?  I also guess you're right about the 27kg...I think in pounds, and it doesn't seem like that much, but I guess it's over 60...wow...
But it has also taken me since 2005.  And apparently, the quest for abs will take about a year??  Lol, maybe this time next year, I can post an amazing abs photo.  Lol, long term goal!
To Zerointentions (Fat Piggy? I think not!), I think we should set up some sort of pickle support group?  I had some for my lunch and thought of you.  I even managed to get a little, medium and big one, all line up!  Hmmm, maybe it was some sort of pickle family though???  Eeeep, maybe I'm a pickle homewrecker?  Lol!
To peanut, I'm trying very, very hard not to spiral.  To concentrate on health and wellbeing.  It's hard, but thank you for telling me that it's ok not to, if that makes sense?  Sometimes I feel guilty for being fat, that I think there's scorn on peoples' faces, when they look at me.  That I shouldn't exist...
That's tough to deal with.  I always hope that there will be some sort of revelation...that I should exist.  That I am talented, and wanted, and loved, and successful.  Maybe?

Anyway,
Since I've decided to double log food then I better do yesterday's first and then get onto my FAST day, today.

Umm, so remember, any advice, as this would be an example of a normal day for me:-

Breakfast:

30g bran flakes (100)

100g low fat plain yogurt (55)

Lunch:

60g smoked salmon (112)

2 slices Quorn turkey and cranberry slice (28)

4 slices ham (44)

35g lemon & coriander houmous (94)

1 meat free bbq burger (95)

5 red grapes (17)

3 leaves romaine lettuce (3)

10 slices yellow pepper (14)

8 dill pickle chips (10)

Dinner:

250g lean turkey mince (420)

1 tsp deli mustard (5)

1 tbsp cranberry sauce (15)

30g low fat cream cheese (34)

1 medium egg (65)

10 slices yellow pepper (14)

1 small red onion (29)

1/2 cup mushrooms (8)

1 cup romaine lettuce (8)

So that was yesterday...it looks like A LOT of food!
I did a 30 minute hill run and 25 minute Level 15 cross trainer session at the gym, plus all day at uni, and about 80 minutes of brisk walking.

So for today, I thought that it might help to take some pictures, because I've noticed immediately that it's made me sit down and appreciate my food much more.  Take more time.  Put more care into it.  Which is helping with eating slower and being more satisfied.

I decided that I had been eating too much meat, so thought I would have a vegetarian day, in the form of a mild fast (for me), to kick start me and to get ready for a liquid only fast tomorrow.  (Baby steps, so I apologise for being pathetic and not throwing myself in!)  But anyway, I decided that it was going to be meat, fish and egg free, with lots of fruit and veg, and a little protein with each meal.  I get a bit stressed out about sugar, so I sometimes freak out with fruit and worry about my blood sugar, but apparently a bit of protein with it helps stabilize the sugar so you don't rise and then crash.  And I feel great.  lots of energy and 'pep' today, and much happier.  So I guess it worked??

Breakfast: 100g low fat plain yogurt, 1 small fig, 1 small plum;

1 cup of coffee, instant.

(121 calories)

Lunch: 1 cup of romaine lettuce, 10 carrot sticks, 10 green pepper strips, 3 pickles;

40g low fat cream cheese, 1 tbsp deli mustard, 40g coleslaw;

1 cup of water, 1 cup of low sodium vegetable broth.

(134 calories)

Dinner: Homemade onion soup, 25g goat's cheese.

Pudding: 124g orange, 24g of smooth peanut butter;

1 cup of sweet Chai tea, 1 cup of water.

(423 calories)

TOTAL: 678 calories

(Exercise: NONE!!!)

So I think the plan for tomorrow is a liquid fast; tea, coffee, soya milk and soup.  Calorie limit will be, shall we say, 400?  Any advice?  And then if I need another on Sunday then I can do a 200 calorie limit, so things like water, tea, coffee, lemon.
Also, full body and cardio tomorrow morning, and cardio on Sunday.

The only other thing I wanted to talk about is my 'navy thing'.  I have a commanding officer...and he hates me.
But the thing is that it isn't meant to be easy.  I feel like I just can't do anything right, that he doesn't trust me, thinks I'm dim, and thinks I shouldn't join the Navy.  I mean, that's someone's future career...and he's meant to try his best to support it, not to dissuade someone that he can't be bothered to mentor.  By making them feel like shit.  How does that help?
Now, I understand that when you do something right, you don't hear about it, it's only when you do something wrong.  But I'm being made to feel like everything is wrong, that everything is a little dig.  I never get picked for anything (I got passed up for meeting the commander in charge of the Admirality Board [that's a big deal, he decides who gets in when you go for your entry interview], over people who have had so much opportunity given to them...who are the chosen ones, and passed up for being a committee member, and passed up for a fashion event.  For every fricken' thing.  I give up).   I go for something and there's no faith put in me at all.
Hmmm, now I'm aware that I'm sounding like a sulky child, but there comes a point where someone snaps.  Where they try so hard, in every area and they get nowhere.
I try to get a good body...well you can see the above *vom!*
I try to do well at school, college, uni...I get Bs *sigh*
I try to get a job...I can get 1 interview, for an UNPAID job, in 2.5 years and nearly 200 applications...
I try and do well at the Navy...and I'm rejected.

This is a cycle that I need to break.  Does anyone have any advice?  Please.  I don't have much lower that I can go.

Amazing...

Love love, everyone! I'm here if you ever need support and I appreciate all yours xxx