You know when you can feel yourself teetering on the edge? I'm on the precipice of between starvation and uncaring....but who wants to be uncaring? When I put it like that, the control is a pretty intoxicating prospect.
I have no idea what I weigh....I know I'm bigger, but I think some of it is muscle and some is fat. God, do I hate fat!
I don't want to slip into that numbness again. I lost my love, my soul was numb. He has someone else now and the whole protective wall of unfeelingness has fallen and it's all come crashing over me. I love him, I love him, I love him. He knows I want him back, but he doesn't trust me. I think I've lost it all.
All I know is that I'm seeing someone who I can hide the numbness from...I will learn from it. If I fall again. I'm pretty close. 1200 calories a day, exercise 5-6 times a week, high protein low carb. I'm in ketosis too. And this is easy. I can maintain this until September. When I'm free from the Mother and I can buy some Oxylite Pro and get rid of the fat!
