Drama

I've not posted in a long time.
It's been a long fall off this bandwagon we all call home.  I kinda feel like I haven't even been trying.  I had just let go.  Occasionally, I got my foot back on, but only for a couple of days.  Now it's time to find a seat again.  It just depends where.

I want to join the Royal Navy.  To do that, I have to be super fit - as fit as I can be.  I can pass the tests to get in, at my current level.  But only just.  And I want to be superb.

The biggest achievement towards that will be 2.4km run in 10 minutes flat.
(My best is currently 12.40 minutes).

I have loads of sit ups and press ups to worry about too, but that's easy stuff for me, and gets much easier, much quicker, than running does.

So if I choose this seat, then I can't restrict too much.  Because I have to make my body a machine, athletic.  Which I admire.  So much.  I want definition and tone and leanness.  But it comes with a price - I won't be skinny.  I won't be empty.  I won't be pure.

Or I could choose bones.  I have a new bracelet.  It is a gold chain, with a little gold skull on it.  It's not that noticeable, so I don't get 'morbid' questions; it's there to remind me that a part of me wants death (but I haven't succumbed yet) and that I love my bones.  I love my ribs and my collarbones and my hips.

But to get this seat, I will need to restrict.  I will need to purge.  I will need to exercise.  I will need to feel tightness in my chest again.  And pain in my stomach.  And being so tired and so hungry and so morose.   But my bones are so light and beautiful.

Today, I tried going back to a low calorie diet.
No exercise, just brisk walking.  It's exam period right now, so I have to spend my days revising.  But I also ate 1089 calories.  Which for someone who was eating 'normally' beforehand, is not that much.  I'm still hungry.  So I'm going to grab a cup of tea after I've written this.

Bran flakes, an apple, pumpkin & sunflower seeds, soya milk; soya latte and a cookie (big mistake, gross and fattening); soya mince, a leek and mash from butternut squash and sweet potato, with onion gravy.  High enough protein, but too high on the carbs (150g - I want to get under 100g again) and not enough fibre (21g, I want it to be 25g).  My total burn today, with the studying, housework and walking, was 1860 calories.

I don't even want to know how much I weigh.  Though I have good scales now.  I will weigh myself after this exam on Friday.  And I will go to the gym.

Love is not in my world right now.  Maybe that's making this easier.  R and I have split up.  He's got someone else as a possibility.  I don't.  We saw each other over the weekend.  We went to London together.  It was meant to be a trip to reconnect.  We had been apart beforehand, but we wanted to see how things 'felt'.  Draw a line underneath.  The line was a bit fuzzy (from lovers to friends, mostly on his  part) but it is there.  There's no chemistry; just deep friendship, memories and love.  But not as a couple.
I don't feel anything.
I saw this other guy, D, a couple of times.  He's in the RAF.  Younger than me (2.5 years).  I liked him as soon as I saw him.  He's my type - big, strong, confident.  But I knew from the beginning that he was a manipulator.  He had seen this girl I know (not really a friend, more on her later!) and they had argued and stopped talking.  He started talking to me around the same time, but after a trip we had together with the forces, where we really got on.  You know where you can really tell that someone likes you.  And we had a good couple of dates.  He said he was done with her, which I thought was a good idea as she's a bit of a slut, but also a bit unstable and immature.
Then he stopped texting me.  Partly because of a lot of uni work on, but also because the line hadn't been drawn under my last relationship and R had been calling a lot and was obsessive.  Apparently D had been backing off.  Which I understand.  But he didn't talk to me about it.  Anyway, it all came out after I chatted to this unstable girl and she made out they had hooked up again.  I text him, annoyed.  Not because he had seen someone, but because it was her, and we could all see that it wasn't a good idea.

And I got accused of starting DRAMA????  When all I said was that I didn't want to be made a fool of and that I wanted to be kept in the loop.  That I liked him and that I was mature enough to give him his own space.

It's been really bugging me since.  And tonight, I found out she's put highlights in her hair...like I have.  And she's started wanting to join the Forces...like me.  And they slept together last night.  He invited her to his.  Whereas he couldn't even reply to my text message telling him to reconsider...and to have a good Easter and good luck with exams.  I'm annoyed.  And upset.  And I don't even know why.  I just feel so rejected.  I guess I'm not used to it, after three years of being 'steady'.

But I'm never going to not be rejected if I'm still so fucking fat.
So it all starts again...