I had had a good day yesterday, food wise. But I binged and purged - a Mars bar and a pack of Cadbury's Clusters (raisins and cornflakes cover in chocolate), so about 1000 calories. Drank water and purged in the shower (first time, I prefer the toilet, but I had to be quiet). I didn't feel like I'd got enough up, but I was just retching, so stopped and sat in bed trying to forget about it. the whole thing, mixed with this pain in the bum essay has ruined my nice happy Thursday 'off', no cinema, all day writing instead and no nice little scoop of Ben and Jerry's to look forward to. Instead, I'm fasting. And there's not gonna be a binge tomorrow. Got a week to drop 4-6lbs and get to 130.
Just quick because I have to try and finish this essay (basically gotta use the 'thrill' [yeah, right!] of writing it to keep me off food today). I'm going to go for a jog later, at 'lunch time'. Need to exercise.
Keep strong, unlike me.
Thursday 27 October 2011
Wednesday 26 October 2011
I don't even like them!
I'm a fat waffle commenter girl...sorry for such long comments!
And damn you Mich! I can not stop thinking about those 114 cal waffles, ice cream and syrup. So jealous...we don't have good diet food here in the UK :(
Waffle waffle waffle, gobble gobble gobble!
135.5lbs (Why am I Up...maybe the thoughts of waffles are making me fat?)
And damn you Mich! I can not stop thinking about those 114 cal waffles, ice cream and syrup. So jealous...we don't have good diet food here in the UK :(
 |
| Janie-13 |
135.5lbs (Why am I Up...maybe the thoughts of waffles are making me fat?)
Tuesday 25 October 2011
I've been really off with the blog, mainly because the Boy was here and I couldn't really go on, and also because I was a pig with him and I just don't have anything to say about that. But it's meant that I've missed out on comments and responding, so I wanted to now.
Hello Barbie darling,
The start of this is to you. The boy wants me to see someone. He's going to make me apparently. No way. There's no way that I'm going to a doctor. My mum got her life fucked up because of psychiatrists. Na-ah, not gonna happen. I said that I would just stop talking about it but he said though that it would make he sad if I didn't talk to anyone about it. So I should talk to him. He just doesn't seem to have any leeway for me, its always that he is right and I am wrong. maybe I am but I always end up saying that this has been going for almost 10 years and I'm not dead yet. Not skinny yet, either.
I saw your photo, you are beautiful, dark haired, smiling, mysterious. I know that everyone has bad days, but perhaps maybe part of your dreams coming true will be to embrace those features of you that make you unique and the best actress you can be. Isn't acting about taking reality and warping it to make it fit into a non natural space? So surely you must know and accept and embrace your own reality, truly, before you can displace it?
A.beautiful.mess, hello, my love!
Lol, we've blogconnected. I hope you're doing ok with the bingeing. I literally inhale when I binge, but it's also not mindless. If I accept that I'm doing it, then I will drink water, water, water. So I can purge. Purging is a new thing for me, relatively. It only started in the past year or so. I guess that living with flatmates (in an old, creaky, thin walled flat) means that I can only binge and purge when they're out. Or else risk a massive 'hoo ha' over it. I came in drunk once, and had to puke so I could sleep - my (bad) flatmate ran in IMMEDIATELY and started fussing about all the cleaning. It was in the toilet for crying out loud, get outta ma space, bitch! Hmmm. Sometimes I have felt binges looming, but have managed to control myself by really slowly savouring that first bite. It makes me reassess the binge, especially if I don't actually want any more of the food. Which is actually most of the time. I've noticed that I don't enjoy the food, even things that I crave. The taste is never as good as what i make it in my mind. If only I didn't have to eat.
Run I don't mind you laughing. I mean, purging has to be made kinda funny, or else how can it be lived with? Seeing lots of sliced ham (I know, weird thing to binge on, but I really like ham!) come back up, just the same as when they went down is sorta disconcerting.
I hope that Nigel doesn't embarrass you too much, I bet that made his day :P
Lillie Flower Thanks for your comment. I wish I could have some sort of positive for tomorrow. But the only peace I get is in sleep. My brains is so preoccupied with food and unhappiness, in a whirl. I guess though, that I don't want to make purging meaningless, otherwise it will mean that bingeing sorta becomes ok, because I can just purge after.
I think I'm a little bit more caught up. Some blogs stay on my mind, for reasons other than the amazing responses and there are some girls that I am concerned for. I guess, I just want you to know that I am sending you my love, and it is there to wrap you up and heal some pain, even a little. I don't know if you feel alone, so I hope that the mental cyber connection we share, just by these blogs is strong enough to carry my love and hope to you.
I am tired. My muscles hurt from the weights session and hockey training from the past two days. I need to get this Literature essay written. I'm grumpy because my flat mate keeps inviting his mates over for hours, making them dinner and letting them stay, and being noisy speaking so loudly and playing guitar, when I have so much to do. he knows this as well, as I have to shut all the doors. He stays up into the wee hours and gets his work done, but I have to sleep.
Plus I need food and they're all in the kitchen, and I don't have the energy to prepare a meal and have them sat there staring at me.
I'm still on 1200 calories. I even managed a little bit of pasta in that limit today (I normally have to fill it up with protein, and always aim to be under 100g of carbs) so that's an accomplishment.
I'm down.
134.75lbs
Goal is 130lbs before I go visit my mum, a week on Thursday. Easy...thats what she said :P
Hello Barbie darling,
The start of this is to you. The boy wants me to see someone. He's going to make me apparently. No way. There's no way that I'm going to a doctor. My mum got her life fucked up because of psychiatrists. Na-ah, not gonna happen. I said that I would just stop talking about it but he said though that it would make he sad if I didn't talk to anyone about it. So I should talk to him. He just doesn't seem to have any leeway for me, its always that he is right and I am wrong. maybe I am but I always end up saying that this has been going for almost 10 years and I'm not dead yet. Not skinny yet, either.
I saw your photo, you are beautiful, dark haired, smiling, mysterious. I know that everyone has bad days, but perhaps maybe part of your dreams coming true will be to embrace those features of you that make you unique and the best actress you can be. Isn't acting about taking reality and warping it to make it fit into a non natural space? So surely you must know and accept and embrace your own reality, truly, before you can displace it?
A.beautiful.mess, hello, my love!
Lol, we've blogconnected. I hope you're doing ok with the bingeing. I literally inhale when I binge, but it's also not mindless. If I accept that I'm doing it, then I will drink water, water, water. So I can purge. Purging is a new thing for me, relatively. It only started in the past year or so. I guess that living with flatmates (in an old, creaky, thin walled flat) means that I can only binge and purge when they're out. Or else risk a massive 'hoo ha' over it. I came in drunk once, and had to puke so I could sleep - my (bad) flatmate ran in IMMEDIATELY and started fussing about all the cleaning. It was in the toilet for crying out loud, get outta ma space, bitch! Hmmm. Sometimes I have felt binges looming, but have managed to control myself by really slowly savouring that first bite. It makes me reassess the binge, especially if I don't actually want any more of the food. Which is actually most of the time. I've noticed that I don't enjoy the food, even things that I crave. The taste is never as good as what i make it in my mind. If only I didn't have to eat.
Run I don't mind you laughing. I mean, purging has to be made kinda funny, or else how can it be lived with? Seeing lots of sliced ham (I know, weird thing to binge on, but I really like ham!) come back up, just the same as when they went down is sorta disconcerting.
I hope that Nigel doesn't embarrass you too much, I bet that made his day :P
Lillie Flower Thanks for your comment. I wish I could have some sort of positive for tomorrow. But the only peace I get is in sleep. My brains is so preoccupied with food and unhappiness, in a whirl. I guess though, that I don't want to make purging meaningless, otherwise it will mean that bingeing sorta becomes ok, because I can just purge after.
I think I'm a little bit more caught up. Some blogs stay on my mind, for reasons other than the amazing responses and there are some girls that I am concerned for. I guess, I just want you to know that I am sending you my love, and it is there to wrap you up and heal some pain, even a little. I don't know if you feel alone, so I hope that the mental cyber connection we share, just by these blogs is strong enough to carry my love and hope to you.
*******
I am tired. My muscles hurt from the weights session and hockey training from the past two days. I need to get this Literature essay written. I'm grumpy because my flat mate keeps inviting his mates over for hours, making them dinner and letting them stay, and being noisy speaking so loudly and playing guitar, when I have so much to do. he knows this as well, as I have to shut all the doors. He stays up into the wee hours and gets his work done, but I have to sleep.
Plus I need food and they're all in the kitchen, and I don't have the energy to prepare a meal and have them sat there staring at me.
I'm still on 1200 calories. I even managed a little bit of pasta in that limit today (I normally have to fill it up with protein, and always aim to be under 100g of carbs) so that's an accomplishment.
I'm down.
134.75lbs
Goal is 130lbs before I go visit my mum, a week on Thursday. Easy...thats what she said :P
Friday 21 October 2011
Back :(
Hello every shining star out there!
I'm finally able to face coming onto my blog. The whole mess that I am has been an utter wimp. I'm so ashamed and frustrated and tired.
I've been bingeing a lot. Not always with purging, after. Sorta admitted it to the boy...had a little cry, he's leaving me alone about the whole thing. It must be as tiring for him as it is for me. We always want to be left alone, to practise our shame in peace and not hurt anyone, but this THING that has a hold of us just has to affect everyone else. He also found my blog. I don't know how, I haven't asked. So I guess that's why I haven't been on here much. I dunno if he's looking. I hope he isn't. This helps me sort the crap out in my head, keep control, and I don't want him getting so caught up in me, when this is just meant to be a personal vent.
I'm UP...the dreaded up. I hate that bitch. Ana is an obvious bitch, she's vicious. Mia is just paranoid and a purist. But Up is the worst. You don't know where you stand with Up. You don't know if she will stay, or increase or decrease and you don't always know why. She torments us, even with just the idea of her. At least we know what to expect with Ana and Mia...but not up. Bitch!
My boy wants me to a fit, muscly, and very strong. But you know what? I wanna be skinny. I wanna be tiny and light and slender. I think that I can't be happy with muscly - it's still big. 'Course I want to empower myself and be sporty and impressive. But I'm not an athlete. I have these humungous legs that can't run very fast (where's all the power?) I have a strong back and arms, but I can't lift much. I have a core that could rival most (mainly from 'suckin' in since the age of 10), but no abs showing through.
It just doesn't seem to come to anything. I make no progress. Boy wants me to eat more, like 1500-1800 (or my muscles will eat themselves) but I will get muscly fat and then have to 'cut' after...and I know that I can't cut. I'm too saggy and baggy and will just get worse with the extra stretching from being so friggin' big. I don't get why my muscles aren't doing the work they should be. Making me skinny.
I can't deal with this anymore. I want the lonely comfort of 800 a day. I just don't want those fuckin' cupcake dreams anymore. Boy said that he doesn't 'crave' thing...well bully for him. Try living with food on your mind CONSTANTLY. In dreams, when you wake up, when you go to bed. All day. Forever.
I hate me...I really do.
CW: 143.25lbs
I'm finally able to face coming onto my blog. The whole mess that I am has been an utter wimp. I'm so ashamed and frustrated and tired.
I've been bingeing a lot. Not always with purging, after. Sorta admitted it to the boy...had a little cry, he's leaving me alone about the whole thing. It must be as tiring for him as it is for me. We always want to be left alone, to practise our shame in peace and not hurt anyone, but this THING that has a hold of us just has to affect everyone else. He also found my blog. I don't know how, I haven't asked. So I guess that's why I haven't been on here much. I dunno if he's looking. I hope he isn't. This helps me sort the crap out in my head, keep control, and I don't want him getting so caught up in me, when this is just meant to be a personal vent.
I'm UP...the dreaded up. I hate that bitch. Ana is an obvious bitch, she's vicious. Mia is just paranoid and a purist. But Up is the worst. You don't know where you stand with Up. You don't know if she will stay, or increase or decrease and you don't always know why. She torments us, even with just the idea of her. At least we know what to expect with Ana and Mia...but not up. Bitch!
My boy wants me to a fit, muscly, and very strong. But you know what? I wanna be skinny. I wanna be tiny and light and slender. I think that I can't be happy with muscly - it's still big. 'Course I want to empower myself and be sporty and impressive. But I'm not an athlete. I have these humungous legs that can't run very fast (where's all the power?) I have a strong back and arms, but I can't lift much. I have a core that could rival most (mainly from 'suckin' in since the age of 10), but no abs showing through.
It just doesn't seem to come to anything. I make no progress. Boy wants me to eat more, like 1500-1800 (or my muscles will eat themselves) but I will get muscly fat and then have to 'cut' after...and I know that I can't cut. I'm too saggy and baggy and will just get worse with the extra stretching from being so friggin' big. I don't get why my muscles aren't doing the work they should be. Making me skinny.
I can't deal with this anymore. I want the lonely comfort of 800 a day. I just don't want those fuckin' cupcake dreams anymore. Boy said that he doesn't 'crave' thing...well bully for him. Try living with food on your mind CONSTANTLY. In dreams, when you wake up, when you go to bed. All day. Forever.
I hate me...I really do.
CW: 143.25lbs
Saturday 8 October 2011
Big Fat Groke
This is not the fast you are looking for...
I feel like crap, and I'm hungry and needing junk, pizza, chips, toast, chocolate, alcohol, pasta, all the things that I don't have. But it's not gonna happen. I fuckin' swear it's not gonna get me. I will wake up tomorrow and the scale will be down that bleedin' half pound that has been driving me nuts and I will go running and get back and start again. Back on 1200, maybe 1100 to be honest.
My only saving grace is that I went to the gym this morning.
60 mins weight training: 387
5 mins running: 62
20 mins calisthenics: 75
40 mins walking: 163
 |
| My flatmate has promised me a Moomin mug (as his dad sells them) and I think I should get the Groke one...damn him never bringing my Moomin mug! |
 |
| The boy has promised that we can have a Groke cake for my birthday (in December) as long as he can make her poop fudge... :S |
Lovelove xxx
Friday 7 October 2011
I had a really good title for this earlier!
So......
I've decided to take the plunge and put some body shots on here, so you can all see what I'm talking about. About how much work I have to do. I know that some people post photos to get attention, complements, whatever, but I'm posting mine because I want you to know more of who I am, and what I'm trying to do...because I think we both deserve that.
The only thing I can say is that I wasn't 'suckin' it in' :(
I would appreciate only 'critique', if anyone has something to say.
Having a response from people this week has been absolutely amazing. You have no idea how supported I've been feeling. Y'know that clenching sick feeling when someone seems worried? Well on here, it doesn't happen. You just get love, and shared experience, and advice and support.
To Barbie, I commented earlier in my last post. Something in what you said has stuck. I think for my own mind, that I should laugh at my own restriction. Don't take it seriously and it won't be a big deal. It wont be on my mind all the time. Isn't that the key to being skinny, to be a disinterested party? I also guess you're right about the 27kg...I think in pounds, and it doesn't seem like that much, but I guess it's over 60...wow...
But it has also taken me since 2005. And apparently, the quest for abs will take about a year?? Lol, maybe this time next year, I can post an amazing abs photo. Lol, long term goal!
To Zerointentions (Fat Piggy? I think not!), I think we should set up some sort of pickle support group? I had some for my lunch and thought of you. I even managed to get a little, medium and big one, all line up! Hmmm, maybe it was some sort of pickle family though??? Eeeep, maybe I'm a pickle homewrecker? Lol!
To peanut, I'm trying very, very hard not to spiral. To concentrate on health and wellbeing. It's hard, but thank you for telling me that it's ok not to, if that makes sense? Sometimes I feel guilty for being fat, that I think there's scorn on peoples' faces, when they look at me. That I shouldn't exist...
That's tough to deal with. I always hope that there will be some sort of revelation...that I should exist. That I am talented, and wanted, and loved, and successful. Maybe?
Anyway,
Since I've decided to double log food then I better do yesterday's first and then get onto my FAST day, today.
Umm, so remember, any advice, as this would be an example of a normal day for me:-
So that was yesterday...it looks like A LOT of food!
I did a 30 minute hill run and 25 minute Level 15 cross trainer session at the gym, plus all day at uni, and about 80 minutes of brisk walking.
So for today, I thought that it might help to take some pictures, because I've noticed immediately that it's made me sit down and appreciate my food much more. Take more time. Put more care into it. Which is helping with eating slower and being more satisfied.
I decided that I had been eating too much meat, so thought I would have a vegetarian day, in the form of a mild fast (for me), to kick start me and to get ready for a liquid only fast tomorrow. (Baby steps, so I apologise for being pathetic and not throwing myself in!) But anyway, I decided that it was going to be meat, fish and egg free, with lots of fruit and veg, and a little protein with each meal. I get a bit stressed out about sugar, so I sometimes freak out with fruit and worry about my blood sugar, but apparently a bit of protein with it helps stabilize the sugar so you don't rise and then crash. And I feel great. lots of energy and 'pep' today, and much happier. So I guess it worked??
So I think the plan for tomorrow is a liquid fast; tea, coffee, soya milk and soup. Calorie limit will be, shall we say, 400? Any advice? And then if I need another on Sunday then I can do a 200 calorie limit, so things like water, tea, coffee, lemon.
Also, full body and cardio tomorrow morning, and cardio on Sunday.
The only other thing I wanted to talk about is my 'navy thing'. I have a commanding officer...and he hates me.
But the thing is that it isn't meant to be easy. I feel like I just can't do anything right, that he doesn't trust me, thinks I'm dim, and thinks I shouldn't join the Navy. I mean, that's someone's future career...and he's meant to try his best to support it, not to dissuade someone that he can't be bothered to mentor. By making them feel like shit. How does that help?
Now, I understand that when you do something right, you don't hear about it, it's only when you do something wrong. But I'm being made to feel like everything is wrong, that everything is a little dig. I never get picked for anything (I got passed up for meeting the commander in charge of the Admirality Board [that's a big deal, he decides who gets in when you go for your entry interview], over people who have had so much opportunity given to them...who are the chosen ones, and passed up for being a committee member, and passed up for a fashion event. For every fricken' thing. I give up). I go for something and there's no faith put in me at all.
Hmmm, now I'm aware that I'm sounding like a sulky child, but there comes a point where someone snaps. Where they try so hard, in every area and they get nowhere.
I try to get a good body...well you can see the above *vom!*
I try to do well at school, college, uni...I get Bs *sigh*
I try to get a job...I can get 1 interview, for an UNPAID job, in 2.5 years and nearly 200 applications...
I try and do well at the Navy...and I'm rejected.
This is a cycle that I need to break. Does anyone have any advice? Please. I don't have much lower that I can go.
I've decided to take the plunge and put some body shots on here, so you can all see what I'm talking about. About how much work I have to do. I know that some people post photos to get attention, complements, whatever, but I'm posting mine because I want you to know more of who I am, and what I'm trying to do...because I think we both deserve that.
 |
| Nothing really shows on this, my hips jut a lot more and so do my ribs, but other than that, I have nothing positive to say about this... |
 |
| Humoungous legs...like massive!!! |
I would appreciate only 'critique', if anyone has something to say.
Having a response from people this week has been absolutely amazing. You have no idea how supported I've been feeling. Y'know that clenching sick feeling when someone seems worried? Well on here, it doesn't happen. You just get love, and shared experience, and advice and support.
To Barbie, I commented earlier in my last post. Something in what you said has stuck. I think for my own mind, that I should laugh at my own restriction. Don't take it seriously and it won't be a big deal. It wont be on my mind all the time. Isn't that the key to being skinny, to be a disinterested party? I also guess you're right about the 27kg...I think in pounds, and it doesn't seem like that much, but I guess it's over 60...wow...
But it has also taken me since 2005. And apparently, the quest for abs will take about a year?? Lol, maybe this time next year, I can post an amazing abs photo. Lol, long term goal!
To Zerointentions (Fat Piggy? I think not!), I think we should set up some sort of pickle support group? I had some for my lunch and thought of you. I even managed to get a little, medium and big one, all line up! Hmmm, maybe it was some sort of pickle family though??? Eeeep, maybe I'm a pickle homewrecker? Lol!
To peanut, I'm trying very, very hard not to spiral. To concentrate on health and wellbeing. It's hard, but thank you for telling me that it's ok not to, if that makes sense? Sometimes I feel guilty for being fat, that I think there's scorn on peoples' faces, when they look at me. That I shouldn't exist...
That's tough to deal with. I always hope that there will be some sort of revelation...that I should exist. That I am talented, and wanted, and loved, and successful. Maybe?
Anyway,
Since I've decided to double log food then I better do yesterday's first and then get onto my FAST day, today.
Umm, so remember, any advice, as this would be an example of a normal day for me:-
Breakfast:
30g bran flakes (100)
100g low fat plain yogurt (55)
Lunch:
60g smoked salmon (112)
2 slices Quorn turkey and cranberry slice (28)
4 slices ham (44)
35g lemon & coriander houmous (94)
1 meat free bbq burger (95)
5 red grapes (17)
3 leaves romaine lettuce (3)
10 slices yellow pepper (14)
8 dill pickle chips (10)
Dinner:
250g lean turkey mince (420)
1 tsp deli mustard (5)
1 tbsp cranberry sauce (15)
30g low fat cream cheese (34)
1 medium egg (65)
10 slices yellow pepper (14)
1 small red onion (29)
1/2 cup mushrooms (8)
1 cup romaine lettuce (8)
I did a 30 minute hill run and 25 minute Level 15 cross trainer session at the gym, plus all day at uni, and about 80 minutes of brisk walking.
So for today, I thought that it might help to take some pictures, because I've noticed immediately that it's made me sit down and appreciate my food much more. Take more time. Put more care into it. Which is helping with eating slower and being more satisfied.
I decided that I had been eating too much meat, so thought I would have a vegetarian day, in the form of a mild fast (for me), to kick start me and to get ready for a liquid only fast tomorrow. (Baby steps, so I apologise for being pathetic and not throwing myself in!) But anyway, I decided that it was going to be meat, fish and egg free, with lots of fruit and veg, and a little protein with each meal. I get a bit stressed out about sugar, so I sometimes freak out with fruit and worry about my blood sugar, but apparently a bit of protein with it helps stabilize the sugar so you don't rise and then crash. And I feel great. lots of energy and 'pep' today, and much happier. So I guess it worked??
Breakfast: 100g low fat plain yogurt, 1 small fig, 1 small plum;
1 cup of coffee, instant.
(121 calories)
Lunch: 1 cup of romaine lettuce, 10 carrot sticks, 10 green pepper strips, 3 pickles;
40g low fat cream cheese, 1 tbsp deli mustard, 40g coleslaw;
1 cup of water, 1 cup of low sodium vegetable broth.
(134 calories)
Dinner: Homemade onion soup, 25g goat's cheese.
Pudding: 124g orange, 24g of smooth peanut butter;
1 cup of sweet Chai tea, 1 cup of water.
(423 calories)
TOTAL: 678 calories
(Exercise: NONE!!!)
So I think the plan for tomorrow is a liquid fast; tea, coffee, soya milk and soup. Calorie limit will be, shall we say, 400? Any advice? And then if I need another on Sunday then I can do a 200 calorie limit, so things like water, tea, coffee, lemon.
Also, full body and cardio tomorrow morning, and cardio on Sunday.
The only other thing I wanted to talk about is my 'navy thing'. I have a commanding officer...and he hates me.
But the thing is that it isn't meant to be easy. I feel like I just can't do anything right, that he doesn't trust me, thinks I'm dim, and thinks I shouldn't join the Navy. I mean, that's someone's future career...and he's meant to try his best to support it, not to dissuade someone that he can't be bothered to mentor. By making them feel like shit. How does that help?
Now, I understand that when you do something right, you don't hear about it, it's only when you do something wrong. But I'm being made to feel like everything is wrong, that everything is a little dig. I never get picked for anything (I got passed up for meeting the commander in charge of the Admirality Board [that's a big deal, he decides who gets in when you go for your entry interview], over people who have had so much opportunity given to them...who are the chosen ones, and passed up for being a committee member, and passed up for a fashion event. For every fricken' thing. I give up). I go for something and there's no faith put in me at all.
Hmmm, now I'm aware that I'm sounding like a sulky child, but there comes a point where someone snaps. Where they try so hard, in every area and they get nowhere.
I try to get a good body...well you can see the above *vom!*
I try to do well at school, college, uni...I get Bs *sigh*
I try to get a job...I can get 1 interview, for an UNPAID job, in 2.5 years and nearly 200 applications...
I try and do well at the Navy...and I'm rejected.
This is a cycle that I need to break. Does anyone have any advice? Please. I don't have much lower that I can go.
Amazing...
Love love, everyone! I'm here if you ever need support and I appreciate all yours xxx
Thursday 6 October 2011
Amazing!
I feel incredible with the recent comments; Thank you so much for taking the time to say that to me. It really makes me feel less alone.
I want to do a proper post later (probably tonight or tomorrow) about them, but I also wanted to let you guys know how much it has helped me today.
Lots of love
xxx
I want to do a proper post later (probably tonight or tomorrow) about them, but I also wanted to let you guys know how much it has helped me today.
Lots of love
xxx
Wednesday 5 October 2011
I know that I need to restrict again...maybe little baby steps. 1000 cals for two weeks, then onto 800 cals. I've been on 800 before and it's hell on earth but I can manage it. I love doing cardio and lots of weights, they help so much, but it gets so hard to go much lower than than 800 when you're active. Plus my BMR is around 1500 at my current weight, which is what I burn in a day, without doing anything. I'm so bloated and sad and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. I leg-pressed 136kg today, so I know that I'm improving, and my thighs are getting so much firmer, but the jiggle is persisting. I've been properly (and 99.9% honestly, by which I mean I don't log most herbs or spices, mainly because I don't use them much and always forget!) been logging my food and exercise in FatSecret. That site is amazing. But I will do it here, so maybe I can get some pointers out there on my diet, in terms of getting rid of the fat???
Breakfast:
30g bran flakes (100)
100g low fat natural yogurt (55)
Lunch:
150g lean cooked, skinless roast chicken (282)
40g stilton (166) [ Naughty, I know :( ]
35g low fat onion and chive cream cheese (43)
1/4 cup sliced red grapes (28)
2 cups chopped romaine lettuce (8)
1 tsp apple balsamic vinegar (8)
Dinner:
150g lean cooked, skinless roast chicken (282)
1 tbsp ketchup (15)
1 Activia light cherry yogurt (72)
30g bran flakes (100)
Drinks:
2 cans of 7Up Free (0)
I normally eat less carbs than that, but I needed some fibre and couldn't be bothered with cooking dinner. I always pre plan my meals for the next day, especially as I have to grab breakfast very early in the morning, and also take any lunch with me because I'm studying all day. I'm so tired and sick of reading. I have completely wasted this afternoon, with naps and sitting on my bed with my laptop. My life is sooo boring, lol.
And the cheese was a bit of a treat to myself, which I don't think I deserved. I have a weakness for cheese and fruit together and the salad I made was pretty amazing, despite all the cheese evilness!
I feel like some ED fraud right now, talking so flippantly about meals and calories and cheese. I'm on a knife edge and I'm literally clinging on for dear life, not to spiral back into this. I have a love/hate relationship with how boney my chest is, and how jutting my ribs and hips are; I'm proud and also repulsed. Why can't I be a goddess, with firm golden skin and perfect limbs? Why am I tired, boney but flabby wreck?
My boyfriend is starting to get worried. He hates me being on 1200 a day, so I will have to hide the restriction from him. He's bringing me protein shake in a week, so I can start meal replacing. I need to be skinny and have a proper thigh gap and have ABS! I will do this.
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