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Friday 11 February 2011

Weigh down deep...

I don't have much to say, other that that it's becoming a recurring desperation of mine to want to die.

I'm not sure how to support this, or even if I'm sure.  But everything feels like it's turning into a vice that's gripping my chest and filling me with dread.  Maybe it's anxiety?

Managed yesterday with the fast, drank last night where I made up 1000 calories from sugary shots (I have a weakness for Sourz), and cried a great deal.
Om nom nom, Blackcurrant is the best, it's like alcoholic Ribena!

I just drifted home.  I was being ignored but the guy who promised that everything would be 'normal'...normal isn't being ignored, I can promise you.  It was only a fucking kiss, for goodness sake, get over yourself.  Made me feel like nothing.  Odd, considering I was wearing a size 10 (UK - that would be a 6 in the US) dress that couldn't seem to contain my massive, flabby body.
From H&M...I shouldn't buy strapless dresses; I have a very broad back and I always have to get a size up, then my boobs don't fit in and the dress is baggy on the waist.

It's quite unnerving, that feeling of wanting to disappear, but hating how invisible you become.

Binge today, but I don't care.  It seems I have a sinus infection, and all I want to do is eat bagels and sit in bed and watch Poirot.  Which, is what I'm gonna do.  About 2500 cals.
Anime Poirot??!!! >_<
Back to the sky tomorrow, gym, study, no food, health; maybe I will drift off, into the blue, cool expanse...high up til I reach the sun?  No, won't happen...I'm too friggin' fat.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, that sounds like anxiety to me. I had that same problem when I was about fifteen.. I had an asshole boyfriend who constantly asked me what I would do if he cheated on me with my best friend... So I had these issues for a reason lol
    Hang in there, hun. It'll get better
    xoxo

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