Cotton wool brain.

My head hurts.  

I had binged all weekend, then fasted yesterday, hoping to have broken the cycle.  Then I found the SGD (Skinny Girl Diet), and thought I would give it ago.  

I actually feel guilty about ingesting all those fruits and vegetables and not counting them.  Well I tried it today, using up 300 calories on pickled eggs (must be a weird British thing, they're so scrummy), and about 550 calories on apples, canned tomatoes, a baked sweet potato and a nana.  That's a heck of a lot.  I also had green tea, water and diet lemonade.  And I wasn't hungry.  But I was feeling shitty.  

So I just ate.  I ate a whole date and walnut cake.  The distressing thing is that I had been wanting one for ages, from a UK supermarket, called Waitrose (amazing, but expensive).  Now good ol' Waits do amazing reductions of past sell by date food, which because its good quality stays fresh for blimmin' ages.  And I saw it!  I date and walnut cake, for 49 pence.  I was so chuffed (=happy), and was planning to savour it. Have it with a little vegan butter, or PB or banana.  And what did I do?  I ate the whole fucking thing.  Nothing special or savoured about it.  I'm gutted.  Then I chugged loads of water and spent 40 minutes trying to purge.  I couldn't give in, and I think I managed to get it up.  I was drinking a cup of water and jumping up and down and then purging.  It seemed to work.  I'm not empty, but I was starting to hit pre-dinner stomach contents, which is a good sign.  And I think i got it before the cals would really be absorbed, especially as I'd had a meal beforehand.  But it was such a waste.  But at least I purged.  

I feel like my head is full of cotton wool balls.  It's not as comfy as you would imagine.  

I have to sit up and write an essay on a poem.  The Schooner Flight by Derek Walcott (well, stanza 2 of it!)

Christ have mercy on all sleeping things!

From that dog rotting down Wrightson Road

to when I was a dog on these streets;

if loving these islands must be my load,

out of corruption my soul takes wings,

But they had started to poison my soul

with their big house, big car, big time bohbohl,

coolie, nigger, Syrian and French Creole,

so I leave it for them and their carnival – 

I taking a sea bath, I gone down the road.

I know these islands from Monos to Nassau,

a rusty head sailor with sea-green eyes

that they nickname Shabine, the patois for

any red nigger, and I, Shabine, saw

when these slums of empire was paradise.

I’m just a red nigger who love the sea,

I had a sound colonial education,

I have Dutch, nigger, and English in me,

and either I’m nobody, or I’m a nation.

I'm looking at it, in terms of identity.  When you really start close reading it, you get seriously jolted

about; so many perspectives and viewpoints.  

But what I like best is the colours, the imagery.  

The rust and the blue and the sea and sun and sand and

islands.  

I need to escape.  I need to get away from the grey.  

To feel the light.  To watch it bathe the trees and buildings and faces.  Watch it making things glow, 

from the sky and the air to your hair on your head and the leaves and the drops of dew on windowpanes.    

I feel like nothing.  But not in a light, empty, floating way.  Like a dead way.  Like darkness and

heaviness and the end.

I'm so desperate to be thin.  I just want the wobble gone from my thighs, and the softness gone from my

stomach.  I try and try and try, and right now I feel like I've got nowhere, for so much angst.

Anyway.  I think the thinspo is working.  I need to run.  I need to eat berries and be light and drink green tea, and have no milk.  I like this semi veganism.  It works for me.  And all I can take from today is that I didn't buy any Ben & Jerry's, I managed to purge the cake, I'm using glucose from studying, and the niggling little pain in my tummy is acting like punishment.  Don't do that again.  Don't binge.  Put up your cals but don't fuckin binge.  

I'm training for a 5k race.  I can pretty easilly run 5k, but on a treadmill.  Outside isn't too hard, but I am slower (naturally slow pace, working on it), so my new plan is to go up to 1000 calories a day.  It lets me have three healthy meals and one snack, rather than two healthy meals and 1 snack.  And it's 150 cals more.  

BUT.  Only if I run at least 4 days a week, outside and exercise 6 days a week.  I have to run, and I can swim or Pilates it or treadmill it.  I'm gonna get abs.  But to do that,  I have to run.  

I'm sorry.  I can't be bothered with captions.  I will do it tomorrow.  And I'm going to buy some scales on Friday.  Keep blogging.  I need it.