Kiwi Fingers

I'm writing this with sticky, kiwi fingers, and itchy lips from gorging on 4 kiwi fruits.  Those things are damn calorific, I wont buy them again.  But at least not wasted, and will keep me on during my night coach home.
Not written in a while...I'm not sure why.  Things haven't been great, so you would think I would want to write, but I haven't.

I binged on Wednesday
...as in 4265 calories.

Now that's a fuck my life moment.  I tried so hard to purge it, but nothing would come.  It just felt like the tiny capillaries at the surface of the skin on my scalp were bursting.  Horrible and painful.  Needless to say, my thighs are paying for it.  They look so fucking huge.  I'm such a fat fucking bitch.  My stomach is fat, my legs are fat, all of me is so friggin' fat.  God I hate myself.  And no-one gives a shit about that either.

I've even told R that I've been purging...he has literally NOTHING, sweet fanny adams, to say about it.  He completely ignores me.  What sort of fucking boyfriend ignores that?  But that's him isn't it?  He never has anything to say.

I fasted on Thursday, and also had the most wonderful run - that's the only benefit to lots of food, it makes you feel so strong and fast when you exercise.  And I swam and walked and studied.  But still the precarious balance of fat on my legs tipped to the bad side.
Went back to 850 today, which felt like too much.  It felt like I didn't deserve that food.  It felt bad and wrong.  I swam and walked and played basketball today, plus studied, but I'm still so fucking huge.
Why can't I have just a hint of abs or just no leg wobble?  I do so much more than those fat whales lumbering around uni, yet, I see the whales in their cozzies, who only swim a little, and they have no wobble.  How does that shit work?

Anyway, I'm going home this weekend.  I have to eat fish and chips tomorrow, but I'm allowed to have a very lightly battered fish and some peas, and no chips.  So I'm hung up on the fact that I should be fasting and starving and purging and hating, and not eating...I fucking hate eating.

I have some thinspo collected...will post it when I get back.
Oh.  And I got an A in my English exam, that's why I didn't fast today.  Though I should have rewarded myself with a fast, rather than food.  Stupid bitch.

I actually just want to disappear into a puff of smoke.  Gone.