There's no title for today.  I just can't think of one.  I'm writing this before my uni day starts.  I have my first Politics tutorial today, but I'm not bothered.  It would have helped if I had done some work.  But I didn't.  R came this weekend.  It was good, great to see him.  But I was kinda happy to see him leave.  To be on my own again.  That's not good, is it?
We went for a meal on Saturday night.  He couldn't decide what he wanted and we wandered arund for hours.  I had been so hungry and feeling really faint, yet he still wouldn't make a decision (I didn't mind - anything would have been fine) and so we walked.  In the rain.  Finally we went to one of the first places we had seen, and I just gave up.  Not in, but up.  Had a sugary martini, then a chicken folded pizza (the name escapes me), then shared a cookie ice cream dessert.  It tasted great.  But his mood went. for some reason, and my high of just having a nice meal fizzled out.  We ran to a taxi and went home in silence.  Of course I just had to forget it.  No explanation from him.  Then sat and ate licorice and watched movies in bed.  It should have been nice, except that meal was stuck to my stomach, repeating on me all night.

Yesterday, I saw him off.  But I also got some groceries and some chocolate for my mum.  I ended up eating one (I was going to have nothing), and walking home.  Except I didn't stop.  I didn't head straight back out and go to the gym for a couple of hours, I sat at home and I ate.  I ate bread, and apple pies and peanut butter and smoothies.  Then I ordered a whole pizza to myself, with wedges and chicken strips.  I ate the sides and half the pizza.  I was so so full.  Then I drank more smoothie and lay in bed.  And watched detective stories.  It should have been relaxing and a nice reward for working hard, but it was just failure.  I walked to the shop and got a tub of ice cream (though I didn't like it and only at a little) - I gave the rest of the food to my neighbour.  Then I drank some water and that just pushed my stomach too far.  Fear of explosion.

I went to the bathroom and ran the taps.  I tucked my hair into my hoodie and I gently slide the toothbrush into my mouth, down to my throat, pushing it, until I felt something push back.  Over and over.  It was a relief.  The final push brought up so much.  I couldn't get anything else up, though there was still food in there.  I thought I might drink more water and try again, but still couldn't.  My gag reflex just went.

Now my stomach is distended and flabby and although I have delicious healthy food to eat, some of which needs eating, I'm not going to.  I had to write, I had to look at the blogs, or I would have done.  I just can't today.  I don't want to.  I just want to regain something.  Do some work and hit the gym and look at the blue sky and get over the weekend.  It's a food hangover maybe, but I'm so low. I wish I didn't have uni today, but it's better I go.

Calzone...that was it.