Eurgh

So fuckin' fat.  I'm 11 stone and 5lbs (so 159lbs).  That's bleeding ridiculous - to have put on 26lbs since my lowest weight.  I feel revolting.

I'm so close to giving up.  On life, not ED.  ED is who I am, how am I supposed to know who I am without this?  I wouldn't be the same.  Things aren't going well.  I'm rejected and alone.
I need to take drastic measures.  Yesterday I did over 10km walking.  And some physio.  Today I will do more walking and a swim and some weights.  I can't run because I'm so sore (I have physio to stabilize my hips and it makes things very painful).  But I can do swimming intervals.  I had cereal and fat free yogurt and an apple for breakfast, but I'm not going to have anything else now.  Then I will continue with my combined navy training + a fat busting regime I found in a magazine.  I have 8 weeks, but I want to have lost a stone (14lbs) by the end of 4 weeks.  Then at least 11 more by the end of 8.  Then, I would be back at the beginning.  Oh God :(

I really don't care about myself anymore.  I feel numb.  I want to disappear.