The fat (man?) is coming to town!

Lolololol!  Sorry for the dumb title, but I've been to the gym and that Michael Buble song came on and the last line just stuck!
Anyway, I literally could just roll myself over to a shopping centre and be hired as Santa!

To fill everyone in:

I was doing ok - I had my 'Reading Week' (why it's called that I have no idea, as you mainly write essays, rather than do anything so relaxing such as reading) and got my essays handed in; feeling like a BOSS!
Anyway, I was walking home and caught up with my flatmate, chatted, got in, and discussed our 'flat meeting'.  (I'd suggested it, since there's three of us and we'd all been a bit busy and I thought it would be a good idea to see how everyone was finding living there and if there was any issues).  Anyway, she wouldn't accept that I just wanted to talk about things that evening and kept asking me.
For some reason I just flipped - she'd just thrown in my face everything I have done for her, stuck up for her and made myself seem uptight, even little things like putting a fuckin' ironing board down for her 30 times because she can't seem to do it herself - and called her all the things she is, to her face, spoilt, lazy, ungrateful.  She ran off to her room screaming that I made her life hell (because I was ignoring her??? Not true at all) Called me insane, with mental problems, because this upset me a lot, and I started crying (very nasty thing to say, considering that my mum has brain damage).
After a bit of talking through the door (she slammed it in my face), we calmed down, and agreed to talk about it between us, like adults (she's 22 for crying out loud).
Next thing I know, she's on the phone to her mum, bitching and lying about me.  Which made me furious.  I don't like liars and people who run away from their problems.  Anyway, her parents tried asking me to leave (despite there being a tenancy agreement and them acting illegally and irresponsibly) but I just ignored it and tried to just include her more and be more friendly.
But every little thing that I say or disagree with is wrong or anything I want doesn't matter.  She ignores me unless I speak to her first and won't even look at me.
So I am trying to move out.  I'm off to see a flat on Wednesday.  If her parents dare to get at me for not giving notice then I will remind them of the undue amount of stress they placed on a young person that they might lose their place to live, ignoring their own tenancy agreement and responsibilities as landlords, and the absence of any help, understanding or advice at all.  That their daughter doesn't even pay rent.
Fucking little bitch is gonna get the shit thrown in her face before I leave though.  I'm so angry, just thinking about it.
I know its not good to say nasty things to someone but she is so spoilt and socially inept that its just too difficult stopping it from getting to me.  She's messy, lazy and weird.  

Now my life is miserable, I can't study, I'm fat and sad and lonely.  And she has every idea that she's causing that.

Anyway,

It's seriously fucked up my fitness and weight loss plan.  Today is the first time I've been to the gym in about 2 months.  I did a thirty minute slowish run and an hour's walk there and back.  The run was ok, but I was getting stitch from not having water.  It's definitely good to get some exercise in.  But I'm seriously soft and fat now.  I'm just going to have to keep working hard over Christmas.  The gm is open nearly every day and both my boyfriend and mum will make me go.

Stuff with my boyfriend is ok, but I feel like we might break up.  My ex was causing problems earlier this year, basically coming on to me and being inappropriate.  Anyway, we both want to stay friends and be able to meet up and hang out.  I've known him for nearly 4 years now and as I don't have many close friends, it doesn't make sense to just call it quits.  I care for him and worry about him a lot.  He's in the RAF and it's stressful. I think he's lonely and I worry about his happiness.  But, understandably, my boyfriend doesn't want that.  His ex left him for her previous boyfriend and he's putting that on me.  I get what he's saying, but the thing is that I'm being honest with him and he can completely trust me.  Plus my ex has apologised and feel differently about me and what he wants in terms of a relationship.  He's going off to the Middle East next year and I might lose him.  I just can't face not being there and seeing him, knowing that I can, and them him not coming home.  I need my friends, I'm so low.  I just can't do it - it feel so wrong.  What on earth do I do?  My boyfriend is so sad because he can't deal with the idea of my meeting up with my ex, even though its only platonic.  And I hate hurting him.  It's basically m sadness or my boyfriend's sadness.

Uni is going badly - I've got As in everything apart from my Literature essay - a C - FML!!!  And the exam didn't go great either.  My Classics exam is rescheduled for after Christmas, so I can't even relax as I have to study, although I'm kinda glad for the extra time as I wasn't ready at all.  My Language exam is on Thursday, and then I have a Christmas party with my Navy buddies.  I'm making load of food to sell to go to charity - roast sandwiches with stuffing and cranberry sauce, red fruit cheese cake, white chocolate fairy cakes, maybe some rice crispie bars, mini fruity christmas cupcakes, and my friend is making mulled wine.  I'm going to drink and go out and just relax.  But no food on Thursday, so I actually don't get booze fat.

Good news is that I have some snowboarding planned (I've recently got into it and it's immense - great exercise, super cool and so much fun) in the mountains of Scotland with the boyfriend, my mum is visiting and I can't wait to see her, and I got a tax rebate of £184 which I'm going to get driving lessons with.

And I'm going to be a skinny, sexy snowboard chick.  I have a Burns' Night dinner on 20th January.  How good would it be to be 130lbs or 59kg???  I have a dress coming from Ebay.  It's long, one shouldered and silver (actually metallic) so very WOW and statement, so I'm going to get tanned, straighten my hair and be super skinny and statuesque.  I'm going with the boyfriend and I want him to be super proud to have m on his arm.
I don't know what I weigh, but I'm going to weigh myself on Friday, and start from there.  Hopefully it will only be 10lbs to lose, which I could do in a month.  I'm going to hike up the cardio, cut out the carbs again and maybe start on weights once I've had some initial fat loss.

This is a pre New Year determination.  It can only get better next year, and that starts with being skinny!

Love love,

I had had a good day yesterday, food wise.  But I binged and purged - a Mars bar and a pack of Cadbury's Clusters (raisins and cornflakes cover in chocolate), so about 1000 calories.  Drank water and purged in the shower (first time, I prefer the toilet, but I had to be quiet).  I didn't feel like I'd got enough up, but I was just retching, so stopped and sat in bed trying to forget about it.  the whole thing, mixed with this pain in the bum essay has ruined my nice happy Thursday 'off', no cinema, all day writing instead and no nice little scoop of Ben and Jerry's to look forward to.  Instead, I'm fasting.  And there's not gonna be a binge tomorrow.  Got a week to drop 4-6lbs and get to 130.
Just quick because I have to try and finish this essay (basically gotta use the 'thrill' [yeah, right!] of writing it to keep me off food today).  I'm going to go for a jog later, at 'lunch time'.  Need to exercise.
Keep strong, unlike me.

I don't even like them!

I'm a fat waffle commenter girl...sorry for such long comments!

And damn you Mich! I can not stop thinking about those 114 cal waffles, ice cream and syrup.  So jealous...we don't have good diet food here in the UK :(

Janie-13

Waffle waffle waffle, gobble gobble gobble!
135.5lbs (Why am I Up...maybe the thoughts of waffles are making me fat?)

I've been really off with the blog, mainly because the Boy was here and I couldn't really go on, and also because I was a pig with him and I just don't have anything to say about that.  But it's meant that I've missed out on comments and responding, so I wanted to now.

Hello Barbie darling,

The start of this is to you.  The boy wants me to see someone.  He's going to make me apparently.  No way.  There's no way that I'm going to a doctor.  My mum got her life fucked up because of psychiatrists.  Na-ah, not gonna happen.  I said that I would just stop talking about it but he said though that it would make he sad if I didn't talk to anyone about it.  So I should talk to him.  He just doesn't seem to have any leeway for me, its always that he is right and I am wrong.  maybe I am but I always end up saying that this has been going for almost 10 years and I'm not dead yet.  Not skinny yet, either.
I saw your photo, you are beautiful, dark haired, smiling, mysterious.  I know that everyone has bad days, but perhaps maybe part of your dreams coming true will be to embrace those features of you that make you unique and the best actress you can be.  Isn't acting about taking reality and warping it to make it fit into a non natural space?  So surely you must know and accept and embrace your own reality, truly, before you can displace it?

A.beautiful.mess, hello, my love!

Lol, we've blogconnected.  I hope you're doing ok with the bingeing.  I literally inhale when I binge, but it's also not mindless.  If I accept that I'm doing it, then I will drink water, water, water.  So I can purge.  Purging is a new thing for me, relatively.  It only started in the past year or so.  I guess that living with flatmates (in an old, creaky, thin walled flat) means that I can only binge and purge when they're out.  Or else risk a massive 'hoo ha' over it.  I came in drunk once, and had to puke so I could sleep - my (bad) flatmate ran in IMMEDIATELY and started fussing about all the cleaning.  It was in the toilet for crying out loud, get outta ma space, bitch!  Hmmm.  Sometimes I have felt binges looming, but have managed to control myself by really slowly savouring that first bite.  It makes me reassess the binge, especially if I don't actually want any more of the food.  Which is actually most of the time.  I've noticed that I don't enjoy the food, even things that I crave.  The taste is never as good as what i make it in my mind.  If only I didn't have to eat.

Run I don't mind you laughing. I mean, purging has to be made kinda funny, or else how can it be lived with?  Seeing lots of sliced ham (I know, weird thing to binge on, but I really like ham!) come back up, just the same as when they went down is sorta disconcerting.
I hope that Nigel doesn't embarrass you too much, I bet that made his day :P

Lillie Flower Thanks for your comment.  I wish I could have some sort of positive for tomorrow.  But the only peace I get is in sleep.  My brains is so preoccupied with food and unhappiness, in a whirl.  I guess though, that I don't want to make purging meaningless, otherwise it will mean that bingeing sorta becomes ok, because I can just purge after.


I think I'm a little bit more caught up.  Some blogs stay on my mind, for reasons other than the amazing responses and there are some girls that I am concerned for.  I guess, I just want you to know that I am sending you my love, and it is there to wrap you up and heal some pain, even a little.  I don't know if you feel alone, so I hope that the mental cyber connection we share, just by these blogs is strong enough to carry my love and hope to you.

*******

I am tired.  My muscles hurt from the weights session and hockey training from the past two days.  I need to get this Literature essay written.  I'm grumpy because my flat mate keeps inviting his mates over for hours, making them dinner and letting them stay, and being noisy speaking so loudly and playing guitar, when I have so much to do.  he knows this as well, as I have to shut all the doors.  He stays up into the wee hours and gets his work done, but I have to sleep.
Plus I need food and they're all in the kitchen, and I don't have the energy to prepare a meal and have them sat there staring at me.

I'm still on 1200 calories.  I even managed a little bit of pasta in that limit today (I normally have to fill it up with protein, and always aim to be under 100g of carbs) so that's an accomplishment.

I'm down.
134.75lbs

Goal is 130lbs before I go visit my mum, a week on Thursday.  Easy...thats what she said :P